Thoughts are getting bad again… I cant go a few minutes without some sort of noise, or game going on. I play ac for nearly 6-7 hours a day, as soon as I get off I’m freaking out. Watching movies, wasting data for youtube, music. I need to relax. I need to sleep. But I cant really.
I’m so stupidly weak and pathetic. No wonder I keep hurting. I’m a fucking moron, the weakest one I know. I have no grit, I’m no tough guy. I’m a pathetic idiot who whines on an anonymous site, wasting space. ‘Cause I’m a waste of space. All I ever was. I’ll always be replaceable. I’m not truly worth anything. Just someone to chat to passing by, heading towards better. I’m a stupid little worm of a person.
It hurts so badly…. it all hurts so much. I know I’m being dramatic, and I’m young and I shouldnt complain ’cause it only gets worse…. I’m just being a stupid loser… and I dont think I’ll ever be any more than that.
Is this all life is? Pain, and shit, a sprinkle of light here and there to keep ya hoping/reaching, in the end to only make you suffer more?
Everyone leaves…. I need my friend, or partner, or somebody, but they all just leave… they always say they’ll stay, and they never do, and it hurts so fucking bad. I dont think they realize it. I’ll only make them feel like shit, if I were to mention it, and they’re prone to hurting themselves…… or trying to do worse… I couldn’t be the direct cause of that… I couldnt live with it.
Then again… I’m starting to wonder if maybe I am, at least somewhat at fault for attempts… maybe I said the wrong thing, or didnt reply in time…. being the unreliable piece of shit I am. Worthless. I dont deserve anything… this shit keeps me up at night, but I dont want to go much further here…
I’m consumed with pain, and I’m just doing whatever I can to distract from it, it’s getting difficult…. I still look at my phone from time to time, hoping I’ll get something, but I never do… it’s a nonstop cycle in my head..
I’m weak worthless rot, I wish I couldnt think…. I wish I could switch off feelings… I wish people never got to know me, it’d be better for everyone all around including myself.
I’m so lonely, so low in the muck I cant pull myself out. I said somewhere in my last post something about just giving up… I’m getting there I think… but I dont know…
Everything feels empty and cold…
I’m better off dead.
5 comments
I’m sorry you are in pain. I can of understand that feeling of rotting. Of just letting go. Being in this state doesn’t mean you’re weak though. It just means you’re in a bad place.
As far as if this is all what life really is, I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure that out. I’m sorry that you feel alone. I hope your friends and partner come around and be there for you. In terms of if you did anything wrong to drive them away: Don’t think about. You can go over and over and over it in your mind trying to think what it was, but it will only drive you crazy. Trust me. Just try to be the best friend you can be. Trying is enough.
I’m sorry you are hurting. I hope you find your strength and things start getting better.
I try my best for all of them. I dont know if it will ever be enough, or what they deserve, but at least I try. All I can do other than distract myself from the thoughts.
Thank you for your comment…. both here and the other ones. it’s good to know someone hears me sometimes.
I dont ever know what to say to people on here, lack of experience and words and what not….. it’d probably end up sounding really dumb anyway haha.
I hope everything gets better in your life too and things won’t be as hurtful.
Another thing I failed to mention is to also try and branch out and meet new people. Who knows, maybe you’ll find people who will be more receptive to you. I’m not saying give up on your current friends by the way. Just that it is good to meet new people.
Also you are welcome. Don’t worry too much about talking to people on here. Just a simple “I hope things get better” tends to work. That’s all any of us really want on here.
I guess I oughta, I’m really bad at talking to people though. In fact today’s the first day I’ve actually stepped out of the house, and I’m actually with some of my dads friends, haha. It would be good maybe to meet other people, just hard I guess.
“everyone leaves” and that brings up one of the few pieces of wisdom I got from my dad that I find worthy of repeating. For context, I was going through an awful divorce, and I was pretty damn depressed about it at the time.
Dad said (paraphrased) ‘ Every human you ever meet, every relationship, it’s going to end eventually. Either one or both of you die, or someone leaves. ‘
at the time I found it pithy and dumb, and I still think I had a point…… but human relationships ARE pithy and dumb… as an essential attribute…. thus any accurate description of a relationship will also display that aspect.
hmmm. not helpful at all. nobody gets what they deserve, life is a random array of absurd happenings. thus, even now, in being non sequitor I am demonstrating that essential absurdity.
the flaw of humanity is grasping for meaning, everything has to MEAN something….. a gust of wind knocks you down, what does it mean? It means you’re out in the wind, and such things are bound to happen. You aren’t getting some message from the universe…. you’re experiencing the mundane indifference of the physical world. It’s why humans created narrative, in rebellion against it.
which is also why many of the greatest comforts are also lies. “life is worth living” is a lie we are all charged with believing, even though it’s clearly not. How things are doesn’t matter, it’s how they appear. At least, in an emotional sense. Skew that appearance, you’ve taken mastery of your world, and gained the only control you’ll ever have.