They say forget about the past. Get over it, they say.
But the past doesn’t forget you. It catches up to remind you – right at the moment when you start getting ideas or getting ahead of yourself- who you really were = are.
Forget about it! BS. I know it for a fact that I will carry the baggage from my past straight into my shallow grave. There’s no getting over it. Only hope there’s no hell or afterlife or karma-based reincarnation, otherwise I’m getting my ass handed back to me on a frying pan for all eternity.
What I’d prefer to end up as-
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I feel this.
Every so often i’m reminded of who I was back then, I see people today the same age as i was but they are so often far better than I ever was in so many ways.
That wouldn’t hurt so much If it weren’t for how great I thought I was back then, I thought at that time that I was “above average” when in fact I was far below.
It hits me every day to realise I was living such a lie and all of my own doing. Some days it’s so bad I cannot go outside without looking at the floor and away from people knowing there was a time when the lesser me thought they were great but was ridiculously terrible at everything.
As such I can not build confidence in anything I do today because I perpetually feel I may still be utterly inferior, I dare not look into people’s eyes, into that which was put together far better than I was.
Anything I appear to achieve I’m reminded by my past “But is it real? Are you not still living a lie?”
As a cherry on top, back then I really was putting an earnest effort into what I was doing, I was working at it every day with a discipline everyone (friends, family, even professionals in the field) commended.
And yet, I derived such woeful results that those who I saw putting equal (even a bit less) effort got further and better than me.
This gives the demon of the past such power because I will labour, ever under the notion that my level best will be less than average no matter what I do, and I still manage, to this day, to tell myself everything I appear to have achieved is a lie, a minor thing that anyone else could master in blink.
People tell me I’m humble…rather I’m ashamed.
ashamed to have been created/brought forth/happened into, as less, inferior…certainly not at all made for this world.
Did you create that yourself? If so, it’s really good. If you created that, you should consider submitting your work to an art gallery, or participating in an art festival.