I really am mindless at this point. I can’t do this anymore.
How are people able to do this? Go to school, maybe go to college or a trade school or the military, find a job, work and make money and save money, maybe find love, raise some kids, retire in their 50s and coast off of that until they pass on and give to the next generation?
Ever since I came on here, all those years ago, when I screwed up initially in college, and tried to rebound and make the best of what I had, it’s just gone downhill. There was some good in between, I’d done some awesome things, crossed off a couple of dream things from childhood and high school, and yet, it’s been a downhill slope. I’m much older, and probably jaded from all of the information I’ve absorbed the past 8 years. It’s like seeing someone else that wrote those posts from all those years back. It makes me sad. At least I was still a little optimistic then. I can tell I was reading the thoughts of a sort of lost teenager when I look back at it now.
The me who posted that initial post from 8 years ago, would be disgusted with me currently. That’s the saddest thing.
I can’t even make myself proud.
I’m irritated, extremely irritated.
No more games for this mindless gamer, have to cut back on a lot of stuff and really struggle now.
I’m so fed up, to the point where I am this close to trashing the few things that I actually bought with my own money.
Something is wrong with me, I’ve known it for years.
I can’t keep up with any of my peers or my family anymore. I just can’t do it.
I tried, it’s never going to be enough for me or anyone.
I can’t end things, there’s no point in that either. Won’t help me any at all. Survival instinct will stop me from that too.
I’m already crazy, doing nothing but find work and workout will make it worse I’m sure. And yet, that’s what will have to be done because all they see is the games I play.
They don’t see the time I put in to get a network tech cert or a programming cert. The hours I’ve watched computers be torn apart and put back together. A+ cert practice, my personal computers that I’ve built. The old family computer I revived.
I have some skills, but they don’t matter if I can’t find a job and put those skills to work for me. I can sit and practice taking apart and putting together laptops (still my weakness) till I’m blue in the face, but it won’t matter if I can’t even land a basic help desk position.
I rant on here, because I feel like there’s nothing else I can do. I don’t have the money to treat myself, maybe my parents will help with therapy, but I’m just tired of not being self sufficient.
I’m done ranting. Sorry for wasting everyone’s time. Can’t say I really matter right now.
I don’t know what I want anymore.
3 comments
those things you did, challenges you faced, they mattered. Clearly, because you remember them. Weird bit of cognitive oddity, human memory, not always accurate, but often an effective reflection of value. If it impressed you, and it’s clear you push yourself to a high standard, that matters.
Years it’s taken me to try and come around on my own life and accomplishments. They never did land me that job I was chasing. But I earned prestige, and my own respect. That’s still something.
So the market doesn’t value it. The market is incredibly stupid. weird example, but several years ago I remember everybody sweating China becoming dominant because of the Belt and Road initiative, their huge take on the world project. You know what happened to that project? It’s currently crashing every major chinese market, it has destroyed their reputation on the world stage, hoisted on their own pitard.
Or crypto? NFTs? I’ve seen so many things that economists think are hot stuff, turn out to be duds. It follows that plenty of things that they take for granted actually have a lot more value.
I wish I could give you a better answer, on the whole forging a career thing. I wish I could give myself one too. But you have value, what you know has value. You’re probably your family’s tech guy, that has a lot of value. I’m that in my family, and for whatever reason it seems to matter a lot to them.
Maybe it’s time to look at a new path. I don’t know anything about the support side other than trying to work it early in the internet era. It didn’t value skill then either. I’m similarly cynical about software development. But somewhere in the vast world of tech applications, there is probably a fulfilling job.
A friend of mine programs microcontrollers for fire alarm and sprinkler systems. Never thought of that as a job until I met him, but he has amazing job security. The offer is still open, if I could move to Washington State where he is… A. If I could move I wouldn’t be moving to where a job was, B. moving is immensely hard right now. I know the guys who install those systems make pretty good money too, having worked with a few of them during my brief stint in construction.
Despite the few things I’d done to try to get myself going on a proper career path, I have no experience to use to get the job I’d been looking for. All things considered, these past 10 years since high school, those were the few accomplishments I’ve had honestly.
I don’t know where to start new path wise. I can’t abandon the stuff I’ve learned, but any derivatives from the standard IT helpdesk stuff is in medicine or law or a different field I really don’t know jack shit about, that tends to require a degree of some kind.
All the jobs that are $20 an hour or more tend to require some kind of degree or look for a certain type of person that I am not.
I am useless in every other field as is.
I don’t do stocks or trading of any kind. Everything I find is that a lot of it is speculation markets for a lot of stocks, and crypto and NFTs ran the same way (sucks to suck with NFTs, that shit is basically worthless now).
I’ve never understood economics, and after watching a lot of informative videos about it and following stocks like nvidia, AMD, Microsoft, etc, I find it crazy that billions or even trillions of dollars are just in limbo until someone takes out their portion from the market, and if it crashes to like penny stock or below a certain threshold, they wind up with nothing while business can still keep going.
I appreciate the advice though. Thanks a lot. I def feel like I’m lacking value though.
well, if it helps any, the way things are set up economically by the elites make it really difficult for the average person to “make it.” and by making it i mean living a comfortable middle income life. so it’s not all your fault. hell, we were set up to fail.