Been putting off posting again. I do that a lot. I have a lot on my mind, but just never find the time to put write them down. Quit my deli job. Hated that fucking job. So god damn much. I was falling behind on school and so I put in my one week notice on Tuesday. My last day was slow. Practically dead. I think I used the slicer less than 5 times. The only thing was I had to train a new guy on how to close plus pick up the slack for one of the cooks. Left my gloves and hat. So god damn glad I quit. It was such a pain in the ass. Went right to the barcade afterwards. It was an ok night. But I felt bummed out. Drinking didn’t help, so I didn’t drink that much. Just 3 whiskey sours. Barely a buzz. The games were ok. They finally fixed the skee ball machine that was out. They updated the japanese rythm game I like and now everything is in japanese and you can’t tell what is what. Bummer. Spent today slacking off. I have a midterm on Monday. Gonna bomb it hard. Like super hard. Maybe this will be the class that flunks me out of grad school. Who knows? I just hope that at the end of all things, I can accept what happens.
The obligatory part of the post where I whine about my fixations with some girl I knew in highschool. When I was at the bar yesterday, I couldn’t help but think about her. That’s why drinking wasn’t as fun. It wasn’t making me feel any happier or sadder or number to the situation. I just felt dizzy. So what was the point of drinking? I play this stupid little game with myself that if I reach a certain score on skee ball, then I will try to call her. I said if I got atleast 2000, I’d call her that night. I had 2 balls left to go and I was at about 1400 I think. Easy. I won’t have to call her and I can continue on with my existence for a bit longer. I ended up with 2200. So go the patio area where people smoke and I call her. Straight to voicemail. Same as the last two times. Whatever. Then the next day I think, what if it goes to voicemail again? So I call her again and the same thing happens. I come to the conclusion that she must have blocked me. It finally happened. She got so fed up with me calling, that she pulled the trigger. Keep in mind the last time I tried calling her was a month and half ago. I texted her maybe 2 months ago. Regardless, she blocked me on the phone. It doesn’t appear that she unfriended me or blocked me on discord. I think. My issue isn’t that she blocked me. In fact, I’m happy she blocked me. I just wish that she ripped the band aid off and just said it to my face or by text or phone or whatever that she doesn’t want anything to do with me. Once you do that, block me, unfriend me, get a god damn restraining order on me, I don’t care. But just say it to my face. Honestly, It’s kinda of pathetic of me to want that though. I should just stop moping and push through. Get over it on my own. I know how to start, but I’m too damn stubborn or too damn afraid. It’s like you’ve been staring at a puzzle for hours and hours when the solution is right there in front of you. But you still refuse to see it. Most of my stupid fucking post is about this. I’ve gone over this god knows how many fucking times. Over and over in my head, but I still do nothing about it. Honestly, It’s pathetic. Straight up. I think one of my main fears about the whole situation is that if, by whatever miracle, I find someone that I care about and who cares about me, but I’ll still be hung up on this one stranger and be unable to be happy with that special person. Or maybe that my hang up is keeping me from even trying to find someone. Knowing all that I know, I know that it is nobody’s fault except mine. It’s not like she asked to be obssesed over. And I guess she’s just living her life as best as she can. Not necessarily in a way that she’s trying to hurts me, but in a way in which she is just trying to get by. Who can fault anyone for that? I don’t know. I guess I’ll just be broken until I can get my ass in gear and try to tape myself back together again.
Also I’m unsure on what to do with that stupid Amazon shirt. I’m thinking about burning it, but idk. Also I hope sinner is doing ok. Haven’t seen her(?) post in a while. Honestly I have a soft spot for her. Reminds me a bit of myself when I was fresh out of highschool.