I realized I’m very sick , I’ve been living this fake life trying to pretend to be normal. I try to to fit in have a normal life but in reality it’s just not try to end up hospitalized or worst dead. I realize this is all I am and will eventually be is dead. I remember that I lie and fake being fine and functioning like having a job but it’s cover for me being broken. I’ll honestly would have killed myself if I didn’t. But the idea of being hospitalized is worst. So I do things like lie, say I’m fine without the medication or therapy, just to stay out of trouble. My life is a black hole , of constantly looking for self gratification to escape the torment of how really empty and emotionally disconnected I am from everyone. I continue to live because I’m scared that all that is left for me is dying. I ran away from help, people called the cops on me, I declined offers of residential or therapy because i thought I could deal on it on my own. But i can’t, and I’m too sick to get help and I’m too stubborn to do anything about it. Like the only time I was forced help, was when I was on the verge of suicide and I had by law to get treatment. But I was a minor back then, I’m a full blown adult now, and nothing has changed, actually my self as gone worst and downhill. It’s feels like I never fully developed into the person I was meant to be. A fully functioning part of society. I just want to be normal like everyone else but it’s impossible now.
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I understand, and I can almost relate to the part about pretending to be normal, except that I’ve never been clinically diagnosed. Using job as a cover.. I switched to fully remote work for that reason alone. I could see it in my coworkers eyes that they knew I don’t belong and that ruined the upbeat vibe that HR always want to prevail. I despise virtual meets for the same reason. Even with video off, my tone of voice betrays my state of mind.
Funny how they wonder why you’re not being careerist, climbing the ladder etc. Hustling your way to the top? When the only reason your keeping a job is because day-in day-out it’s whats keeping you from ending it. I mean, I’d hate to off myself without duly serving out my notice period.
I don’t know that normal is on the table, for any of us. It’s hardly on the table for fully functional people, add in an illness? You’re toast, at least in terms of career.
but that doesn’t have to be the end of the story. If you’re able to admit how sick you are, then maybe you aren’t too stubborn to get help. I also don’t know about that “meant to be” concept, You are who you are, maybe there were other options but you’ll never know, behind those doors might be dead ends too.
but who can you be? From here? because there’s no going back to change things. but your future self will blame you if you succumb to self hatred here, I know, I have, and I do blame my past self for that. Maybe there’s room left for your life to mean something, maybe not alot, but something’s more than nothing.
because that’s all we all are, in the end, what we leave behind. all that suffering being for nothing? I’d rather be remembered as someone that made the best of things…. who took this lousy hand and managed to pull out way better than people expected. That’s who I want to be, which is the closest I can get to meaning to be anything….
I might be in some kind of weird zone right now, but for something to be meant to be, doesn’t somebody have to have intentions? goals? All young people have ideas about the world that turn out to be less than accurate. So this is your chance to mean for something to happen, coming at it with eyes wide open to make some goals and intentions.
*shrug* or not. Sucks being sick, I agree entirely with that