I found out that all the negative cliches one hears are all true, the more negatative the more truer it is. Regarding suicide you don’t go down without a fight but in the end you go down. My predecessors in suicide all said the same thing and I find myself saying it now – nothing works. I tried everything, therapy, anti – d’s, keeping busy, you name it and I tried it. You would want to be absolutely fucking desperate to reach out for help in the first place, reaching out by its very definition is commensurate to the level of distress one experiences, I reached out and it was in vain. Mild suicidality might respond to treatment but severe hardcore suicidality you’re fucked. I deeply regret not pulling the plug when this started for me at age 14, 24 fucking years of hell could have been avoided.
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natural contrarian that I am, I think there is some benefit in having tried it, though perhaps not direct benefit. My case is similar, lots of attempts at mending things and at this point I’m just, broken.. but I find the pressure being off helps, being a lost cause is kind of better than trying to squeeze juice out of a dry fruit.
and I think the same is true specifically for the people we leave behind. With suicides of young people you get a lot of “if only”, but when someone older goes, especially when they’ve been struggling for a while, the distress isn’t as bad, and that makes the guilt of doing it less
because at least me, guilt is a lot of what is keeping me here.
Thats some good stuff ‘ when they’ve been struggling for a while the distress isn’t as bad’. I reiterate my position that you give the best advice on this site, thanks!
My sympathies Rainwatch. I have heard this before from others. I could be wrong but I’m guessing maybe you suffer from mental illness, you tried everything and weren’t able to ‘cure’ yourself?
Or was it as a result of a life you’re unhappy with? That’s the case with me. I don’t have a mental illness though I’ve experienced some issues like depression, anxiety, etc but that’s due to the problems I experienced in life.
Like you in my early teens I just knew my life would suck azz and I really wanted to end it. But I felt bad about leaving my siblings and mother behind…never cared much for my dad, he was always an azzhole to me.
Over the decades there were some good times and bad times, but most of it was just a lot of suffering and loneliness…and a few times it was terrible.
About 15 years ago was the closest time I came to ending my life…I was searching for supplies to ‘end it,’ but decided to tough it out a few weeks more, see if I’d get better and I did.
But really the main reason was for my family, they would’ve been much worse off without my help and my mom could’ve ended up homeless, her health was bad and my siblings are selfish and incompetent and wouldn’t look after her.
And tbh I’m glad I stuck around even if it was just for her. My mom is a good person who did so much for my siblings and I, it’d be awful/cruel to abandon her. I also have some goals/projects I wanted to achieve.
So I’m in my 50s now and have given myself till 60 to try to improve my life…if I don’t achieve my goals then I will seriously consider ending my life at that point…though if my mom’s still around I might wait a bit longer till she passes away first.
She’s a Christian and opposes suicide and you cannot reason with religious people, esp the older ones. She’d be an ideal candidate for euthanasia, but doesn’t want it…however I can’t prolong my life just for her…so she’ll have to figure it out for herself.
I’ll ofc let her know my plan, I don’t intend to abandon her and we all die alone anyways…but she’s going to need to wise up and realize she has nothing at all to live for and will end up passing away sooner or later…it’s best to do it on your own terms than to die from diseases or a horrible accident.
Soda you strike me as a genuine guy. The four ppl I most respect on this site and I shall name the names are Once,heartless,husk and yourself. I would like to see you post you have landed a signifigant other as that seems to be your principle grievance. Thanks for the advice, quite pragmatic as per usual.
Thanks, Rainwatch, the feeling is mutual.
Your post reminded me of myself in my teens and 20s. I was an odd duck, all wound up tight, unhappy, on edge, fragile/tense…obsessed with my looks and other stupid things and didn’t matter a lot, rather than being focused on what really mattered in life, like finding that great s/o and job.
I really wish I could go back and tell my younger “you have a great personality, you’re charming, funny, well-liked and a good person…BE YOURSELF….relax, stop worrying about trivial things and ofc focus on gf and career far more intensely than I was before.”
While I thought about these things at the time, I never had a solid plan. Plus, ofc as you must’ve read (from my previous posts), I let a lot of incredible opportunities slip through my fingers.
I do appreciate that; I also hope I find a great s/o. It’ll solve one important part of my life, among others. I do also want to upgrade my career/income as well. Otherwise, life isn’t that much fun if you don’t have a lot of money to play with.
You’re most welcome, btw feel free to tag/mention me if you’d like some feedback on something you posted…while I am not here all that often esp. lately, I’ll try to help out where I can.
Thanks for that Soda, let me return the favour, you know what Im going to say – get a signifigant other. You would do well with women by virtue of the fact you’re realistic, practical etc. Nature can only be cheated for so long and it is hardwired into the DNA of all men a strong desire for female companionship.
You’re welcome RW…and thanks also. Yes, my biggest handicap right now is my age unfortunately though I look like I’m in my 30s or 40s, but I’m in my 50s would could be a dealbreak for some girls.
But I just have to play the field and hopefully land a good one. In the meantime I’m just focusing on getting fit again and upping my income….to make it more enticing for them lol
Agreed I wish you well in this dept also, if you are searching for a companion. All the best bro. 🙂