bitter and tired and depressed

I think if I could find one of their pieces, I’d shoot myself with it.

I’m fucking tired of everything. Literally nothing I do is right in anyone’s eyes. I’m constantly walking on eggshells around everybody because they get angry at me.

I can’t even do right by my mom, apparently, even though I have given her a little over 2,000 fucking dollars despite being a unemployed loser ass. Recently I’ve had to help make sure she doesn’t kill herself because her mental health isn’t good. She told me she’s tried to off herself multiple times because she “missed us so much” and other things. And she talks to me about all these things I don’t quite understand or have the capacity to help her with, because her husband is inattentive and just doesn’t give a shit about anything, I guess. He avoids taking care of the kids – my sisters – when they’re up on weekends, and I have to do the bulk of them unless I bother him about it enough times. All around it’s the same song and fucking dance. Tomorrow I’m going back “home” to see family down there for Thanksgiving, because I have literally not been down there since I’ve moved up here, which is a few months now. And plus, I thought, because we were having an early one tomorrow while the kids are here, she would be fine with it. She’s “fine” with it alright – she’s not talking to me at all, barely acknowledging my existence unless she fucking needs help with something. I know on a site like this a complaint like this is dumb as shit, but it’s all that and more. Fuck I had to keep texting her to come back once the kids got up here a few days ago for break – she was just gonna up and leave and not come back at all. Which isn’t fair for the kids that came up to see her. 

They’ve always done this.  Leaving for hours or days at a time. Lying, or not saying anything at all. I don’t exist unless it’s babysitting or money apparently. And I’m only “a good kid” whenever I do shit like that when they need/want me too.

But you know what? It’s fine. It’s all just fine. Because I have my worlds in my head to escape to for hours on end, and I can finally feel just a bit of sanity – a bit of happiness even, at times. And I know I won’t have to worry about anything because nobody fucking cares. I now suddenly feel so much more fine about just up and ending myself because I just see more and more how they don’t give a shit. How things never really changed. How I’m still a worthless fuck in everyone’s eyes.

It’s fine. I have a note open on my computer with method ideas and possible burial plans, just in case I guess. I’m going to look at it again. I’m so sick and tired of it all. Thing is, technically speaking, it’s my fault, as I chose to live here and be a fucking loser still. At least they don’t get mad at me for that, and they’ve let me stay here for free, and apparently I can stay as long as I want. I’m very, very aware on how it’s all my fault and I’m just a piece of shit daughter anyway. I shouldn’t feel such bitterness towards them. I really do want to help in any way I can, but I feel like I’ve been wrung like a damn washcloth. It’s all these little things that keep adding up, adding up.

I’m just so aggravated all the time. Maybe getting out of the house will be good. But I feel bad now, I know she wanted to do stuff Thursday. I just thought we were doing it a day early. Nobody ever fucking communicates in this family. On both sides. I have to play messenger for my divorced parents because they won’t talk to each other at all. It’s so stupidly complicated.

I just need to get somewhere and scream bloody hell, or punch the shit out of something. I feel like I’m boiling over. I’m very aware I’m just being an idiot. But you know what? I think I might not be the only fucking idiot here. I can’t I just can’t anymore.

I’m sorry this is so sporadic I’m just so tired and I haven’t slept well in months and I’m exhausted of everyone and everything and as much as I want to help with stuff I just can’t.