Just needed to empy my head a small bit. Been meaning to for a little while, but I kept putting it off.
Today was rough. Probably the main reason why I’m posting today. It was the weekly meeting for the team and I looked like a complete dumbass. The stuff I had been working on came off as irrelevent. I didn’t have any good justification for my designs or where I was taking them. I just made sad sheepish excuses that anyone with half a brain could see through. You could tell in my voice and in my manerisms that I was cracking a bit. It made it hard to look at my teammate and my professor. I could feel the energy in the room skew into a bleak mood. The meeting lasted almost an hour. Afterwards when me and my teammate were walking back to the lab, we mostly walked in silence. The walk lasted about 1 whole minute, but it felt like a long time. She evetually talked a little when we almost got there. I could tell things were uncomfortable. The past few conversasions I had with her were akward, so I imagine this experience probably caused her opinion of me to worsen. Everytime I start feeling that I’m getting the hang of this whole grad student thing, I’m reminded how out of my depth I am. That I don’t belong there. Everyone always goes on and on about Imposter Syndrome, but in some cases it must be that the person is just looking at the reality of the situation. I don’t know. All day I’ve been thinking of my fuck up and I imagine I’ll be thinking about it for a few more days. One of the funny things is that yesterday I was just telling my uncle that I thought I was getting the hang of it. During the meeting I thought that maybe this was a punishment for even saying that I was doing ok. Of course that’s stupid and my fuck up was a result of me being lazy and stupid. The timing of it was just hilariously ironic is all. Another thing I noticed was that when I crack I can’t help but emote more and sound scared and sad in my voice. I just need to fidget when I’m like that. Rubbing my arm, making odd facial expressions, looking away. That sort of thing. I seem to be a person who wears their emotions on their sleeve and I imagine that can be uncomfortable for some people.
Another thing is I watched Her (2013). What an interesting film. Part of the reason I picked it was because I new it was a romance film of some sort. I’ve been thinking a lot about my own feelings on relationships, so I was curious what the film’s perspective on relationships were. If you haven’t heard of it, it’s basically about a future in which a lonely letter writer who’s had issues with a past relationship falls in love with a new evolving artificial intelligence. It chronicles the entirety of their relationship and the logistics and social conceptions of it. There were a lot of really relatable moments. He spends certain parts of the film alone. Going to his job to his dark empty apartment. Just going through the motions. One scene involves him try to go on a sex chat thing before bed and he tries it out only to be really weired out by the woman’s strange fetish involving a dead cat. The disconnect he had from everyone felt so familiar. He goes on a date early on in the movie that went perfectly fine until the woman asked that he only continue if he was serious. When he gave a hesitant answer that he wasn’t sure if he could be in a serious relationship, she immediatly called him a creep and walked away. Maybe he could have communicated it better, but I think his hesitancy was reasonable given where he was at emotionally from his last one. I also can’t really imagine that someone would demand a commitment on their very first date. Every sad scence I could relate to in some way, but I always ended up pitying him more than I could ever feel sorry for myself. His situation was always worse because he had a taste of something sweet and then lost it. On the other hand, I’ve never felt anything like that. I’ve never been with someone. I don’t really knows what it means to be with someone. I’ve always been alone and to a degree, I’m unsure that I want to not be alone. It’s comfortable. Sad to a some extent, but comfortable. I have a few friends, not much, but enough to where I still talk to someone from time from time. Outside of that I don’t have any school friends. I talk to my lab teammates more often, but it is still on a professional level. But to have someone that is so close to you. That is another half to you. That you share all your horrible ugly thoughs with. I don’t have any idea what that is. While thinking of all the ways that I might have driven her away from even being my friend, I always wondered if I shared to much of myself with her. That I was too vulnerable. I think it began when I showed her this place. A catalogue of every volatile notion in my head. Maybe she looked down on me because of that. That she thought less of me because of that. Someone who could never be seen as anything more than some sad loser who keeps pestering her. I don’t know if that’s the case. Honestly I’m tired of trying to find a reason for her cutting me out of her life. It doesn’t really matter anyways. So I’m curious as a result of all this if I’m even capable of opening up. Don’t want to make myself vulnerable again because there’s no real point to. I don’t know. Just a thought.
Long ass fucking post. Nobody ever reads the long ones. Can’t blame them, I don’t read the long ones either. I keep telling myself to try and comment more. Just to let people know that someone bothered listening. I want to be better in that regard.