my life is a joke to most people. i’m the comic relief, or someone they cringe at. and i’m starting to really become fine with it. as in, i need to accept it. i might be mentally ill, but i think embracing it is much more desirable for me. i may not win the long game, and i know this, but i’m not ready to give up my “bad” habits yet. after all, who says they are bad?
i also don’t need a therapist. self reflection is enough. circumstances right now are making it particularly hard to self reflect.
i might actually kill myself, but i’m starting to be ok with that too. no one should find that shit sad.
i need more time to think about my life, but again, circumstances are making it so fucking hard.
if i let go of some things, my life would be a lot easier. and i’d fit in with everyone else. but i’m way too optimistic that i can have it all.
and in a way i can’t because it’s already all screwed up.
if i end my life, it’s for my own selfish reasons. and that’s not sad at all. in terms of not getting the life i wanted, sure! but my suffering isn’t noble, that’s what i’m trying to say. i told people i just wanted to end my life. what happened? i was left alone. people feel that i’ve hurt them. and they’ve probably thought to themselves, “i hope they get better, but if they die it’s the natural order.” and they’re right. lmao
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Be proud of who you are. You’ve made it this far in life. Do not let the dark entity of death convince you that is the only viable solution to your personal situation. Make a change logistically, change the scenery. Do something extreme to alter the situation. I saw you guys talking about monks, travel to a monastery or an ashram focus your consciousness on whole new thoughts. Create new pathways in your brain by switching up your habitual thoughts to thoughts that support and affirm your life. I think about death every day as well so I’m not some paragon or guru talking empty platitudes this is a suicide forum after all. Change the latitude and longitude and watch your soulmind transform day by day. You’re not cringe nor are you a joke, you are a human experiencing the normal range of thought and emotion of this torturous life. Stand by who you are to the CORE. To the CORE. To the epicenter of your existence you are valuable on planet earth. Suicide isn’t in the cards for you, because you will live a full life. It is an extremely painful and near impossible act of self mutilation because it goes against every biological survival mechanism. Stay alive. Do ayahuasca or lsd or mushrooms. Alter your chemistry if needed. Change is the operative word. Free yourself day by day, one day at a time.
i’m sure as hell going to try. just thought i would point out that if i died, it would be narcissistic and people would rightly perceive it as being a non-virtuous and therefore meaningless death. i’ll be fine. thanks for the words. in reality, i’m just getting started. i’m young and haven’t even started college, nor looked for a job, nor been in any relationships, or whatever people do with their time.. just in a circle, having almost severe mental weakness, and focusing on odd questions that have nothing to do with my personal fitness. in all likelihood, i probably won’t kill myself. in reality i want my life to be full. but i’m already late to the game, so i acknowledge that too. and i might actually sabotage that “higher” life.
Well you’ve discovered a very interesting corner of the internet here in SP. Almost everyone who participates in the conversations on this site are deeply powerful and astonishingly intelligent personalities that will make you think. Existentialism is the path of the strong that always follows most suicidal thoughts and self harm/death episodes. I implore you to continue to ask questions and inquire of existence, and I extol you for being this self aware already.
As long as you stay away from harder drugs you’ll be alright in terms of guaranteeing a future with the things you desire. That’s my only stern warning. I wish I had as much certitude about my own future. With time comes uncertainty because you begin to see life as the meaningless test that it is. Devoid of all hope and faith. Like Viktor Frankl at Auschwitz—the only meaning that life has is the meaning you imbue it with.