Looking for a purpose in life. Tying it to a certain person. Perhaps being self destructive. There’s nothing wrong with my circumstances except I’m what someone might consider to be a malignant person. I’ll do whatever it takes to fulfill my agenda. It just looks like I’ll be dying alone, confused, and most importantly, with a wasted life. And it’s all my choice.
I want to be alone. I want to stand apart. To hell with most relationships. Someone from my past left me alone and I don’t want to exactly say it hurt me, but it got me very disappointed in myself. The truth is I’m in my early 20s and have squandered my entire childhood and adolescence being destructive and petulant. I will continue to do and be so. I am honest in saying that, as this person did not stick by me at any cost, I found them to be disappointing. There’s a lot more to this story and hopefully I can write it all out. I guess the sad, overarching theme in all my posts is that I find myself to be incredibly dull and boring, and most others as well. At the moment, I do not want to achieve anything. I am losing touch with some sort of reality. I am heavily online, and I do not even parse what I read or do. I distract myself to death. Even though I have caused others to distance themselves from me, I still disapprove of them. I wanted someone to fight for me. My mind is in a vague state as I am a very secretive and “selfish” individual. If I can’t talk to a therapist, I’d not want to talk to anyone at all. i think I have feelings of guilt for being the person I chose to be. I want to see the negative in others so I can outshine them. I don’t want others to be happy. I think what I hate the most is that no one wanted to get to know me. There is so much and yet so little about what I’m saying. My life could be great but I just can’t bring myself to give a damn. I care about very “minor” things. It’s not that I can’t give a damn, it’s also probably a lack of imagination. I come to this site because I generally regard those who are depressed as having more life experience than me, and people who value something. At least you’re human. You gained and lost. I feel I have nothing to lose or gain. Except for my health, of course. I know one day I’ll change my tune, but will it be in time?
I want to care about people. I want to care about myself. But part of my mind says I shouldn’t. People are morally grey at best. Nothing heroic or inspiring about most of them. I’m pretty sure I’m a narcissist, because… if I’m not doing better than you in some aspect, I feel miserable. And you know what? I’m not impressive at all. My psyche is sludge. I don’t like me. I still have some time, so I’m going to try to leave my mark. I hope people like me too. In other words, I hope that there is something to like.
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You know what? I spent the last couple years of my life with a leeching vermin. Soul sucking my life away. I barely talked to anyone due to numerous factors. I digress. I say this because I too, know that feel of wanting to be known by someone that contributes and gives as much as I do. There are evil forces at work behind the scenes of our lives trying to orchestrate an untimely demise. Whether it is a sporitual entity or a malicious human consciousness. There is always a deep darkness trying to move us like pawns in chess. So fuck it!!! Fuck their existence! Most are morally grey and ambiguous like you say but there is an inner hero within. It is heroic to live when every part of your existence is trying to sequester, marginalize, and minimize your true being. You may feel petty or trite and competitive with the people around you but there are better aspects of your personality that transcend those parts of you. I’m not sure, I don’t know you but you seem to be focusing on the darker shades of yourself. We can choose to recognize impermanence and the cycles of rebirth in each moment. I recognize you desire to be known. Take each day as it comes, a moment at a time so you don’t become overwhelmed with the self doubt. In a parallel universe I am a well paid psychologist instead of a suicidal shamanistic soul searcher. Can you tell I’m just a normal guy? To give you perspective… Ah fuck it. It can always be worse is what I’m saying. Trust me.
If it were all up to me I would be an ex patriot living in south america living in a small room in the port of nanay, iquitos, peru away from all the north american noise. Yeah *****… Fuck off.