Just a dumb update. We had a lab meeting today. Of course I still felt like the dumbest one in the room. I could feel the judgement. The mixture of disgust, pity, and just pure contemptuous stares. Felt like I didn’t belong. I just don’t. That’s kind of it. I know I don’t. They know I don’t. Just tired pretending like I do. I guess one nice point is that my advisor that my ideas weren’t half bad when I brought them up in the smaller team meeting. That upped my confidence a bit. Not a whole lot, but a bit.
I drank a bit before this. Bought my own bottle of Jack Daniels and some sour mix so that I can make my own drinks. I stopped myself at 3 drinks, but I kind of wanted to drink more. I can already feel my buzz mellowing. When I was drinking by myself, I felt fine. Carefree even. Compared to last time when I felt sad and shitty. I think drinking on my own feels better than drinking in a crowd. I felt like I can be me when I’m by myself. It is what it is. I don’t know, I just made that observation.
Some tax shit made my mom fucking pissy as usual. My 1098 or whatever seems to be only messed up, and she is throwing a fucking fit about it and the fact that I didn’t get it to her asap. Same passive agressive bullshit. Fucking stupid, but money is god, so whatever. It’s always been like this. There’s a fucking reason I can’t stand being around them longer than a week at most.
I don’t know. It is what it is. I forgot, but I mentioned that part about being a shadow to my therapist the other day. I don’t realy feel like I got any helpful advice from him. It’s all pointless. Nothing really matters. I just wish I can let it slip through my fingers like all the other stuff. Just let go and phase out.
Nother stupid song nobody’s going to listen to: