I’m in my early 30s yet my view of my future hasn’t changed since I was in Elementary school. The future I desire is death and it always has been. I never imagined living into my 30s and I definitely don’t want to live in my 70s. Perhaps I would be happier as a cyborg where I don’t have to deal with the reality that this body will weaken into an immovable husk one day. Wait, just a brain would be even better.
Anyway, I never wanted any of the things “normal people” view as making life worth living. I don’t want a career since I have no passion in working a dream job, I don’t want money to buy things/go places and I don’t want love since I know I don’t deserve it due to my apathy. In my world view, everything humans do is a way to distract themselves until death.
In a future I never wanted, I might as well be living in Hell. When the point of life is invalidated, I can’t help but ask wouldn’t it be better to just end it. I know my friends and family would be sad but what is more selfish: living in a state of eternal unhappiness or dying?
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I didn’t choose this life for myself. I did nothing to warrant this treatment from god. All I ever wanted was to know the Creator. I deeply doubt its existence now. Years ago I had a vision while I was standing at the front of the bus. I was taking public transit back to my side of the city. I was overcome by this massive hologram in my spirit body of this gigantic aztec pyramid. A pyramid of some kind. It looked something like an aztec structure. It remained visible for 10 seconds then vanished.
It was the first time I felt like something out there made contact with my soul. Like it was trying to communicate with me. Alas, it was probably a hallucination. It was so palpable though. Why would I have to go through this pain? For what? I never got an answer as to what the vision meant. Was I supposed to travel somewhere specific? Like you cant just grant someone a special message and not explain the nature of it. Fuck their evil energy. I’ll be pure until the moment I kill myself.
is there absolutely nothing you are interested in distracting yourself with? maybe the key to psychological fulfillment is identifying core problems and making yourself useful within a group setting, working with others to fix a problem or make life better or more enhanced in some way. that’s where i’m headed. i’m absolutely capable of taking my own life and so are you, it’s an empowerment, but it’s also difficult. you can put your energy towards both. i for example am planning my own suicide while also thinking about what I can do to make life easier for me, other people, and animals (within the realm of my own comfort of course). i might be projecting, but it could be you feel pressure. to do something with your life. but you can just be. you don’t have to die. if you just want to exist and keep trying to end your l life, (i know my opinion doesn’t matter but, in case it does – ) I condone that. i don’t care about potentially wasting my life. you’re right, life is a set of arbirtrary goals. thinking about what you HAVE to do to survive, and then what’s left? more arbitrary stuff that is probably hardly worth the struggle. so in my mind, there are two higher rewards beyond leisure/pleasure and hard work to survive : being original and making a difference, or planning the perfect suicide. you can have one or the other as backup. what will you prioritize? right now, for me, it’s the perfect suicide. it all involves thinking and planning, tough. just try to avoid pain as much as you can. remember, you want death, but not pain. and avoidance will cause pain.
Why would I want to distract myself when I don’t want this existence to continue any longer. As for enhancing life, what would be the point when the only thing I can “gift” is a nihilism about life? I don’t think anyone wants to hear how humanity is an inherently selfish species that are no better than a parasite.
But distraction’s your only course of action right now. You’re going to do that naturally. Like you told me, it’s all a distraction before death. You’re going to have to do stuff before that. Guess wasting away is a distraction, putting thought and effort into making things entertaining doesn’t seem on your priority list. But you’re wrong about how humanity is an inherently selfish species. Look at the research. Lately I’ve been reading a lot of Psychologytoday. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/out-of-the-darkness/202309/selling-human-nature-short
And then, here’s one about the opposite, https://aeon.co/ideas/the-bad-news-on-human-nature-in-10-findings-from-psychology
I’ve thought a lot about these things. Things like reforming the justice system, education on mental health/personality, there’s so much to improve. Trust me, I’ve read all about the selfish nature of people, bought books on that stuff, but don’t trust everything you read. I’m not a scientist so it’s not like I’ve really done the correct amount of critical thinking on the subject, and I’m not really that confident in myself atp but there’s a lot of research about prosocial behavior too. Why automatically assume that we’re all doomed? It’s just feeding into your natural brain’s tendency to highlight the negative, but I doubt you’ve actually extensively examined your place in the world and what can be gained. Hedonistically and altruistically. I’m just going to assume you’re actually here because of 1) lack of assisted suicide/fear of pain 2) desire that has been thwarted. If you’re knowledgeable enough on human nature, how are you going to set yourself apart? Part of that whole ideological framework of parasitism is that humans are naturally driven to compete and go after what they want. If you made the choice to subvert that expectation, expect that others can too.
Wasting away? I guess indulging in whims I secretly consider trivial can be considered wasting away. As for selfishness, tell me what has humanity done for the planet that isn’t fixing their mistakes or benefiting themselves in some way… The answer is absolutely nothing! Everything humanity has done in the name of progress is to only benefit themselves, damn everything else! As for how I’ll set myself apart, I wish I could remove myself from it without causing others pain. If I had one selfish wish, it would be to erase my existence and every memory associated with it.
As for your avocation of assisted suicide, good luck with that but the only way people will be granted an assisted suicide is if they are terminal. Mental illness like lifelong depression would never be granted it. As long as the possibility exists that the government can make use of you, you will be denied it.
well you’re almost correct. as long as there’s MONEY to be made off of human suffering by CORPORATIONS, then we depressed fucks will be denied assisted sui,cide. I mean, look how much money the Phar.maceutial Industrial Complex makes PER schmuck that takes antidepressants daily for LIFE. That’s millions and millions of dollars on a SINGLE person, on just a single ailment, let alone the multiple issues most ppl have.
“Everything humanity has done in the name of progress is to only benefit themselves, damn everything else! ”
>Exact-fucking-ly
What do you mean? Fixing mistakes and doing things for our benefit is exactly what we should be doing. What else is there? We work for a better world. History changes. I believe that assisted suicide for mental illness is being passed in Canada sometime soon.
OP means that everything that was done was to benefit the elites/ppl in charge, NOT to benefit us peon masses.
“I don’t think anyone wants to hear how humanity is an inherently selfish species that are no better than a parasite.”
>I guess I’m the only one (or one of the few) that does lol. This is how I view the world too, and we get shunned or bashed if we happen to view life like this. It’s always “but humans are SO wonderful and there’s so many AMAZING and loving ppl and there’s all these wonderful things in store for you in life” blah blah blah. Never mind that NOT everyone has a good fucking life. -_-
heh, you’re quite possibly the only other person who is as jaded with life as me. i totally understand you. *cheers* mate.
(oh by cheers i meant like glass clinking, like a beer/wine toast)
I would say you at least have a reason to be jaded like your pain, darkness. I have no excuse except for a f-ed-up mind. Granted, I honestly believe that “being human” is an emotionally and mentally-draining experience even on the best days. As for physically-draining, being a living organism is one of the things I hate the most about “life.”
well i also have a f-ed up brain. mostly bc of how society has treated me. but that aside, it’s rare to meet others who feel how shitty and pointless life on Earth is