Every “morning” when I wake up, I long to just go back to sleep again, not feeling this.
Every “morning” when I get up, my first listless steps wander to my desk, preparing some “medicine” to dull my thoughts.
Every “morning” when I start the day, I start it with trying to kill those bottled-up feelings, that can’t get out but are killing me inside.
I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.
I don’t know why I am even still here.
No clue what to do next or how to go on – how to even make it through the day.
There is so much sh*t up there in my noggin, but none of that productive.
Eventually, I end up chasing an illusion of a content life that will probably never be.
In front of others I mostly manage to pretend but my facade is cracking and almost as flawed as my mind.
Life is passing me by as I fade away and bring nothing but my own demise.
My preconditions are not perfect, not by far, but still I could do something with my life?! But somehow? Somehow I really *can’t*.
It’s like I don’t want myself to be happy, although all I want is to be okay.
I know this sounds contradictory and it is, but that is a good description of what’s going on up there:
Constant fighting, waging of options, choosing the wrong one,
spiralling
Down
Down
Down.
2 comments
I think I can relate. Especially about the part about wanting to be something. There is no easy answer. Unfortunately. Hope you manage to find it, whatever it may be.
this is going to really call out my age, but I’ve been seeing this for the last few days and all I can think about is, it’s not fair to call it a song, it’s a crime against humanity disquised as a song released in 1999 called “Every Morning” by Sugar Ray. For about five years you couldn’t escape it, and now to people of a certain age (including myself), all you have to say is a few select words, such as Every morning
There’s a halo hanging from the corner of my girlfriends four post bed
it’s a terrible song. I hate it so much, and it’s hard written into my memory, why can’t I erase it? Maybe THAT’s why I’m depressed? Anyone ever think about that?! That whole era of music was so bad. I’ve talked to my parents about that era and they loved it, and of course they did, they had the F-ing Beatles