I’ve come to the realization that no amount of therapy will cure me, no medication will save me, no religion will enlighten me. Nothing on Earth or space above will grant me peace of mind. The only way I’ll get peace is through the end I so desperately wish for. Now that I’ve thought about it, I’ve never wanted to be alive. That having to eat, drink, sleep, poo is my Hell. I know I can use hedonism as a distraction but I realized that’s how my life has always been. Now, I don’t understand why I would be vilified for wanting to escape a no-win situation unless the collective mentality of humanity is truly sadistic. At least if I was just a regular animal, I wouldn’t have the higher brain function to ponder the meaning of my own existence in the massive cosmos of the universe and how my developed self is an antithesis to said meaning.
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is there nothing about being alive that makes you happy? anything, positive or negative.
To be honest, no… In fact, I can feel the physical disgust in me pulsing with every breath I take now. It has even gotten to the point where I can detect the fakeness of enjoyment in my so-called hobbies and interests. I would say it would be like a soda drinker suddenly switching to sugar-free after several decades of drinking regular soda. I’m fine with knowing I’m destined to end it by my own hands. I just wish it will be sooner rather than later now.
The fakeness? Many people generate interests to connect with other people, like an social identity, Maybe you’re lacking connection.
Considering the fact I’ve never been able to connect with others due to closing off my heart for some long forgotten reason, I can see that. However, I think it is far too late to change due to never developing the needed social skills in childhood. At this point, I feel it would be better to just die than try to unlock my chained and most likely decayed heart.
But it’s never a permanent situation. You might be thinking you need to act more normally. If you looked at your strengths and weaknesses honestly, and communicated that to certain people, they might just want to be your friend of partner. There will be rejection, I’ve gone through it, but the more i learn about my identity the more I find similar, likeminded people. For example, me being on a suicidal website is part of my identity because a character trait of mine is higher proneness to suicide/contemplating without death. Being honest in safe ways is key to forming relationships. Eventually, through displaying these flaws, you might unintentionally become more “human,” which would have the neutral byproduct o f you looking more ‘normal.’ Normal just means functioning. If you’re going to be a robot, be the self-aware kind, not the emotionless one. Detaching or being unaware of emotions is the least pragmatic thing to do.
Since I can’t reply to your direct comment, I’ll just put it here. After living with suppressed emotions for so long, I can’t help but question why I would want to continue to live after coming to the conclusion there is nothing I 100% want to live for. I’m quite tired of trying to act human when I don’t want to ever find love, start a family or become famous.
well you don’t have to work to find love, sometimes and often it finds you. that’s good news. there are so many goals beyond becoming famous. say, personal goals. i bet you like anime. staying alive for that is enough, but i bet you tell yourself it isn’t enough. it is. things can happen naturally that you don’t have to work for that i bet you’d like, only grim truth is that it is very chance based and waiting feels like shit.
Why would I want love when I know it would just end badly? As it stands, I know I’m the type of person that would just watch nonchalantly as my loved one lay dying. As for anime, even I find that to be a stupid reason to prolong this farce of an existence. The longer I exist, the more I question why is it so awful to die younger before the body breaks down. Especially since I have no aspirations I wish to see happen.
I have a hypothesis, one I’m not certain if I have the energy or investment to follow through on and see if I can prove. The existential ache you’re talking about has a name, psyache. My idea is that everyone has the potential within themselves for it, there are just external forces keeping it quiet. Some people never have enough to be aware of it, lucky bastards.
Once you’ve felt it and identified it though, it’ll always be there, it’ll never really go away. You can get it to quiet down, with drugs or other distractions. I’ve found some particularly potent ones myself. However if you stop, it’ll come roaring back, because it never really left. You just muffled it.
It doesn’t mean the stuff that muffled it wasn’t pretty good at the job.
Also, just because you’re going through a time period where it won’t seem to quiet down for anything doesn’t mean it’ll always be so, is my unproven hypothesis.
As though existential dread and horror are the baseline of human experience, and deviation from it is work.
Some people never have few enough external pressures I meant, we all have the same existential deadness inside