I’m so depressed and lifeless

I’m at a point in my life where I’m not able to enjoy anything, I don’t even know what my interests are anymore. I used to be so incredibly passionate about music, but now that i’m in a music program in college i’m realized how incompetent I am in professional settings. It seems like I can’t seem to think any thoughts besides ones that relate to me being a horrible person. My communication skills are complete trash, I don’t even know how to chain words together properly. I want to talk to people and have real strong friendships, but it seems like every time I try I just end up hating myself and the words that come out of my mouth. I add no value to any conversation, and most of the time I just want to isolate myself. It takes me WAY too long to get the simplest projects done and is taking me WAY too long to write this letter. I feel like I’ve lost my purpose, and can’t forgive myself for letting vices like weed and pornography control my life and alter my perception of the world. I thin about suicide every day, and I just wish these thoughts would go away so I can work towards improving myself, as I am incredibly incapable and inexperienced for someone who’s already 19. I feel like a waste, and time just seems to tick by as I’m sitting in listlessness.