Sometimes I wish I could just die to see if anyone around me truly cared about my existence or travel to an alternate universe where I could see how those around me felt when I ended my life. To see if my life was even worth living, to see if anyone really did care about me in the end, or if I was just a burden as I have felt my entire life. Like, would my family care that was no longer living so they wouldn’t have to an extra body in the house, would my coworkers or my workplace care or would they just find a new person to replace me? Would my school even care if I died, would any of my classmates even care if I died or would they just move on like nothing happen and I would be just a student who didn’t finish class? What’s the point of living when you don’t even know if anyone around you cares or when you feel like a complete and utter failure at life. What’s even the point of living when you don’t know and you feel like a complete failure?
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I’m sorry that the people in your life have made you feel this way, that you wouldn’t be missed. The truth is, human nature, people adapt, no matter how special the person is, people adapt. How long is there a you shaped hole? Usually depends on how much you cared about people, you care they care, it’s often a two way street. I know it’s not easy to start, when they don’t seem to.
but it’s also kind of the challenge, to care for self, makes it easier for others to care for you….. and I wish I was better at unraveling that puzzle
Good post Viking.
I’d add when I was younger, I think I briefly thought about that-who’d miss me, certainly my friends and family would to a point-though I’ve had arguments with all of them and there are a few people I don’t like.
So ya people would miss you when you’re gone. We lost some person at my workplace a few months ago, which has a few hundred people working there…. but it was just an acknowledgement that they were there and were gone. It meant nothing to me because I didn’t know who they were…. it’d only matter in their small circle.
But you don’t want to live/dye for anyone else but yourself…some people sui.cide for revenge, to punish their parents or siblings for example for not treating them better.
However if people weren’t already treating you that well, chances are they’re not going to care that much when you’re gone.
Like with my POS father, he never had much real care for me, treated me like trash most of my life….but I needed his help until I was able to get on my feet.
If I off’d myself he’d probably feel some guilt but it’s not like it’d destroy him. He’s lost other family members too….so he’d feel bad about it for a day or two and then just move on.
I’m still around because I care about my mother and my close sister and that’s really it (for people) and for things I love about life…but not many things are keeping me here. I’m trying to make my life better….and if it does improve, I’ll keep going but I’ve given myself till my 60s and if my life still sucks then I’ll apply for Maid.
Imo, forget about the others in your life, examine what you’re truly living for. One thing I can tell you is that everyone is drawn to happy, successful people and repelled by “failures” to be blunt.
So if you do well in life, then you will attract more people around you if that’s your goal. And ofc the reverse if you do badly. The main focus should be career, health, being fit and being a good friend to others and the rest will fall in place.