As it turns out, there’s someone I love. Very deeply in fact.
Thousands of miles away, gets me like noone else.
She’s with someone else though.
She has medical conditions and I worry about her a lot.
I hadn’t heard from her in months and finally heard back yesterday.
She loves me, but only as a friend, a friend she truly cares for.
I don’t know what to think sometimes.
I don’t have to be with her, I know we’ll be involved in one another’s lives forever at this point.
I’ve never lucked out with women irl, always wound up in some kinda online relationship and with her it was wonderful. I was just worried about her wellbeing and broke it off because she’s so far away and I didn’t want her to just sit at home and wait for me and not go outside and meet people in her country. Homelife wasn’t great.
She’s very happy with the person she’s with and is appreciative of me respecting her in general and truly caring about her when she felt no one else did.
I still love her very much and I’ve accepted that it will probably never be us in a relationship again. I’m not really angry about that. What angers me is I feel like I’ll never have that deep kind of relationship that I have with her with anyone else. We met here, so she’s aware of my most vulnerable traits and secrets I’ve told noone else on this earth. I’m lucky I met her.
I feel like life’s got me jaded and I had friends who wanted me to try to get with women here and who want me to not be a virgin anymore. I’m partially not interested, partially self conscious about how fat and socially inept I am, and I personally feel I’m nowhere near ready to take care of someone else at this point in my life.
So I don’t know what to really do. I’m a bit more on the traditional side, where if I’m with someone I’d be paying for things and the like. I do lack confidence, even though I try to I guess fake it irl.
I keep being told I don’t know how the world works and then I need to go out more and do things…
4 comments
I’m inclined to agree with your friends and try your luck with other women. We all have insecurities which seem insurmountable, but I can objectively tell you, being fat is less of a barrier than you think (especially for men). For many people, it’s actually their preference. And although you might be a little socially inept, you can’t be that bad if you have a friend or two.
I personally wonder if your traditional values are doing a disservice to you. You don’t think you’re ready for a relationship because you can’t take care of someone else? I’m guessing, because in your mind, the man’s role is to take care of the woman? I don’t see relationships that way, I think it should be a partnership where you mutually take care of each other. So you shouldn’t feel this burden. We’re all products of our social conditioning, but I think it’s a real shame that this mentality is holding you back.
I don’t text or call them as much as I should, it’s been about 6 months since I spoke to them last. I’m not a good friend at all to most people. I keep very much to myself. I am a huge burden with issues so I don’t see the point of trying to be with someone else when I can barely take care of my own self…
I’ve always felt out of place, at least compared to old friends and family. I’m no genius or anything, but I never really fit back home, and I don’t really fit up here. I’ve thought about just moving away from the states but I’d probably fail because I lack the perspective out there too.
Have you ever thought you might be less of a burden if you just flicked a text over every now and then so people don’t worry?
Ah, to be young and have someone I desire more than air, but who I can never have
on second thought, I wouldn’t do that again. That’s rough, and I know that from personal experience. I fell into that damn hole twice, falling for the wrong woman. Three times, if you count my ex wife. But I mean, I was with her at least, right?
There were always some interested girls, but were they the girls I was interested in? Unclear. But at 18 I was obsessed with one that had no interest at me in that way. My blood still boils for her, dang it. It’s what she stood for, peace and plenty I guess, there was something in her eyes and her face, I felt safe…. in a special way I’ve never replaced. *shrug* She’s married now, with kids, life’s working out for her.
So I ended up hooking up with my ex wife, it was a spite hook up, like “look I can still do pretty damn good”, which is sad, she was a fine lady and if things had been different we might have had higher hopes….. But being brought in under the shadow of my lust for someone else it was always doomed.
Then there was the first woman after that….. we got entangled….. and it was just that the interest couldn’t be on both sides at the same time. Both of us were messes too, that didn’t help. She’s the one I’m currently mourning, might be gone from my life. Carved a chunk of my soul she did. Some years ago I realized it would never be. You just have to, at some point. If it tried to, of it’s own accord, and conditions allowed…. but that’s so far in the area of fantasy as to be silly. She might well be dead.
Now I’m married. Which seems odd to say, mooning over old girlfriends. She knew when she met me though, I wasn’t unexperienced in the world of women. Heck I didn’t know if I was capable of settling down anymore…. but I did. Life’s funny, gives you things you don’t expect.
I know it’s all so fragile though, could be gone again. Take nothing for granted, life is short, and good times all the shorter.