pointless

Where do I start? lets take today, worked for a promotion for 3 yrs, today rejected at the final hurdle, im just distroyed, my life has just been 1 rejection after another. To the outside world im a normal guy with a decent job providing a decent life for my wife and 2yr year old. But inside im in a world of hurt and pain, my parents have always been cold towards me and that had a serious affect on me, I was abused sexually by my older cousin, and because of the coldness towards me was never able to tell anyone, I blamed myself, I was a bad person and deserved this treatment , this is the phrase which still passes through my head.

In reallity i was a decent kid who never caused anybody any trouble (unlike my siblings) . I grew up and tried to deal with my demons myself, but became a cold person and constantly struggled trying not to take my own life. After several failed relationships I met my wife, we have been together for 10 years, my family disliked her for no other reason than spite, so they disanced themselves and eventually cut me loose completely. thats life i thought , time to move on I thought ,, I had my wife , daughter and a nice life. But the demons still linger, 2 yrs ago my wife had an affair, I gave it another go for my little girls sake, but the demons are getting the better of me, dont judge me , i feel so alone , a failure to everyone around me.

Im not religeous, how could I be? I regard myself as a decent honest person , but treated this way for no reason i can think of.

I did a pros and cons list of my life, my pros only had 1 thing that was my beautiful little girl, but she will grow up to hate me like everyone else.

I thought about the hosepipe from the car method, but is it the most painless way????