In my mid 40s old, have lead a charmed life at times, always looking for the thing that would make me happy. Bottomline nothing can make anyone happy it comes from within. So how do you do that when the weight of the world and the consequences of poor choices and actions culminate into one gigantic crushing smoothering ball and chain. Reality becomes blurred and all you want to do is check out. My children and the fear of death and HELL up to this point keep me from doing the worst however as they are several states away and thier Mother is awaiting me to finally follow through with my words as she stands to recieve substantial SS benefits upon my death I am trying to find the strength to hang on. Sure my childhood sucked, and I was or allowed my self to be abused in many ways including self-abuse and self-hatred. Have never had issues with alcohol or drugs my medicine was always darker so they say. I have read some of the posts of young people and my heart aches for you as you have your whole lives ahead of you. Seek the counseling and medication if necessary to stay the course and get through this. My financial, tax, joblessness and homelessness has me at the breaking point at this moment. But I beg all of you to hang in there and seek the assistance you need. I tried to do much on my own, pride, fear and ego kept me from continuing the help I once had. ITS NOT WORTH IT!!!  I have always helped others but never took much time to help myself and so I find myself in this impossible situation. So tired, so tired of the fight, so worn out and feeling so hopeless.
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I can relate. People often take advantage of those who give everything to them if there’s no expectation of return.
I’ve always been told that I shouldn’t be upset if the people I care about take advantage of me when I give myself (and everything I have) to them. If they don’t appreciate my gifts, my reward should be received through the knowledge that I gave them everything I could.
Unfortunately, that philosophy isn’t working for me these days, in that I no longer feel gratified by simply giving my gifts. Instead, I often feel stupid, naive and used.
I have always lived my life by the premise and belief that giving is its own reward.
I now realize that I’ve given everything I have and it’s left me empty and depressed.
I don’t want to forego the belief that giving my best to others is good. I’m trying not to, however much it has hurt me, because, even if it’s existentially flawed, I love the idea that giving is its own reward.
Unfortunatedly, my philosophy has recently led me to understand that my life is empty and broken because I’ve given everything I have to the people I cared about. I have nothing left.
The only answer that remains so that I can live with that knowledge is to kill myself.
I don’t want to have to face and/or reconcile my loss of faith in the people I care about with the reality that no one, no matter how much I love them, will ever care about me.
Please don’t give up. Take some rest, don’t blame yourself for your “wrong” choices. When we choose something we don’t know ahead if it will turn to be right or wrong. The future alone can tell us if it was good or bad. You are still young enough to look forward with hope and confidence. You have now a lot of experience, which you had not in your previous 40 years. Thus, the next 40 years could be much better. You tell the young people writing here to keep on fighting. I tell you the same, and you have the advantage of a better wisdom and knowledge of life. This will compensate for the weariness you feel, which comes from the longer way that you have behind. Do it for you and for your children. Please try.
I really couldn’t say it better than Lilian said.
Don’t give up, you’ve come so far!