So I finally in past months accepted the fact I’m bad person/human being. Why am I, well many things. I have either been told these things by random people or overheard them saying it and noticed most of it myself. I am in general unlikable, most people are very insincere to me. Most people ignore me or distance themselves. Even in best times when I was trying to be upbeat and involved in making things in my life better people still seemed to since something. I was overweight till 21(260 plus pounds), lost weight(135 pounds). Didn’t change much, I just developed a eating disorder that I’m slowly slipping back into. So on top of being depressed I am weak and close to passing out but never do, sad I wish I just would. I keep waiting for day I blackout and don’t get up. I am centre of most my family’s problems, my brother hates me and my mother tolerates me. I think my mother stays around either out of pity or really that she thinks I’m going to kill myself and somehow she is going to prevent it, don’t mistake prevention with love. She just doesn’t have money to bury me.
I have no friends, see above where I said I am unlikeable. I not nearly as smart as I appear, I fail most test and cannot seem to retain information very well. Physically slow and uncoordinated. Unattractive, but I am ignored to the point no one really cares. When I say I am ignored I mean I could be on fire in a room and no one would piss on me to put it out. No relationships, I have had the occasional interested party, though I think alcohol played more of a role. I come off mean, uninterested and generally depressed. I can’t seem to be happy even when nothing is wrong.
I work as a health care provider, were put on pedastool that we have to be our best all the time. God forbid we have feelings and need help, we are just fired and or discarded. So I have to hide my pain and my problems. My coworkers are backstabbing sob scraping for the little pay we barely make, but the few I had alright working situation with went south.
I had a incident were I was tore up at home and got depressed beyond meaning and really consider life and or death alternatives. I ended up drinking and passed out before anything of substance happened. Family found me and took me to hospital, work got wind and tried to crucifie me for potential suicide. I dodged the bullet to only return to my poor life and even poorer job. I was and am watched like a hawk no doubt.
I am in my twenties, I own my own home. I go to work and come home. I have no friends, family hates me, coworkers are sobs. I am broke behind on bills(because work dropped me from shifts till they sorted it out). My mother and brother live in MY home for free, though mother slips a 20 dollars every once while for gas. Tried religion, didn’t work. Don’t have money for therapist or medications, no health insurance either. No one to talk to.
I have come to accept reason for my poor existence and why most people around me dislike me is due to me being a horrible human being. In past I tended to do best I could, give respect, care for others, be there, give my time, constructive and helpful. I guess you can’t change what you are. I admitted I am a bad person to my family and said I understand if they hate me and would not blame them if they leave. They continue to stay, but complain about me and everything I am or do. I keep saying I am sorry.
I stay out of other people’s way an say sorry for me inconveniencing them, I figure its best I can do beyond just not living. I don’t leave my home even when I have money unless I really need something, I stay in my room to not bother my family. I even gave them option for me to leave my home and they could have it and I would continue paying for it, instead they act like they are going to leave soon but never do. They just stay point out how horrible I am to them, I know I’m horrible. I have told them this, and accept it.
I want to just die, but I feel like I’m responsible for my family and home. So I feel guilty for leaving them behind, and maybe I don’t deserve death just yet, maybe death would be a to much of a gift for me. Maybe I never woke up from the floor after I passed out so long ago and this is hell. I thought it was getting little better, I made progress on eating issues, thought I was gonna get new job, thought my family wanted to work with me. Nothing changed except the intensity of the pain.
1 comment
I have no friends too. I am the same way – my computer, game of thrones, trueblood, hulu, cable, are by best friends. Same with faceBook games. Today my sister basically told me that Everyone in my family and, thanks to her running her mouth, her social circle think that I am difficult and awful to be around, that I’m “crazy” and have a short temper problem. Its just awful to me. I moved across the country to help me get away and still bad. She fabricates everything bad that I do so that my whole family is constantly disappointed in me.
I am so sorry for you. I feel empathy for you – so much. I know money is a problem right now but maybe a support group for depression can help? I ought to try one too. I wish that we lived near each other, I could really use a friend right now. I am bipolar and the results of it have turned a lot of people away from me – friends and family. To add insult to injury I am getting married this summer and can barely handle keeping it together in front of a bunch of people that want nothing to do with me. I am so disappointed and disgusted with myself. I was yaaaay close from killing myself on Friday. Saturday and today were no help. I am scared to be around people for fear that they too want nothing to do with me. Guilt for wasting my fiance’s time is all that keeps me going. If anything ever happens to him I will probably have nothing to hold me back from killing myself.
I really hope that you are OK. Why dont we both spend time trying to cruise chat rooms and make friends that way? Looking up funny jokes online to make *** impressions on others so, even if they never know our problems, we can still get companionship. I am really open to being friends with you, no matter how negative our conversations. Also, its totally OK to reject me. Just writing this post is making me feel a lot better.
To get away from my family I lie a lot – school makes me too busy, I’ve been sick, need to be there to support a friend I don’t have, and, when I lived with my parents, I made up friends and even dated men just to get out of the house but lying that I was with friends so we didn’t have to have the awkward I am at a guys house talk.
The other advice: Sorry for the novel! How about lying and saying you are dating someone, casually, and staying at their place? work retreat? joining a club that you did not join [camping?]. I lied to my parents and family all the time to get away from them and it REALLY helped [they dislike me and have a lot of grudges against me]. It may be a terrible solution, but if you have a tent you can maybe go sleep at a cheap camp grounds where you can rent spaces and read all alone all day reading or something? a funny book to laugh or a mystery or sci fi to distract you while away? Otherwise there are cheap small tents and you don’t even need a sleeping bag you can use blankets.
I really hope you feel better! I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts, OK. get well soon! although your post is about sad stuff, it is comforting to me and probably other readers to know that others are sad, generally unhappy, and become reclusive as a result.
Take care!