I am at the lowest i have ever been in my life. Sad to say, but i am starting to understand why people kill themselves. I am so depressed and can’t seem to shake it off. Im 27, a broken engagement sent me over the edge. I let any relationship im in consume my entire life and im never happy anyway because i cant seem to trust any man and end up being a crazy ***** for my insecurities. Im in love with a drug addict/alcoholic. He is a horrible person. He lies, steals, embarrasses me and doesnt work, but yet im completely addicted to him and my body has never been so sexually pleased in my life. We broke up, but we are back together. This is disgusting how i can’t stand him when hes drunk but i am sick without him. What is wrong with me?? I have no self esteem. I was a mistake child and my dad never wanted me. When my dad found out my mom was pregnant he told her to have an abortion or give me up for adoption. She should have. Im the stupid one in thr family, the fuck up that looks nothing like her siblings.. fat, stupid, lazy…my dad never told his parents about me and i decided to meet him recently and of course he hasnt made any contact with me since. It hurts. I dont want a dad but i dont understand how u can have a child and pretend like u dont. I followed my moms foot steps a few years ago and ended up pregnant from a guy who wasnt looking for a relationship. The condom broke and the plan B pill didnt work and of course when i told him he didnt want anything to do with it. I vowed to never have a child out of wedlock and decided to have a pill abortion. I havent been the same since. I only told a handful of close friends. I feel horrible for what i did, but i couldnt raise a child without a dad. I hate myself for doing it. I guess thats why i took my druggie guy back because he showed up not too long after that and it was comforting to have someone who cared. And he wants kids with me and quickly started talking about marriage. Of course i want that. But now we r just bf/gf and it hurts me so much that im getting old and everythings fucked up and he wont get help for himself. Im trying to save him but i feel like im destroying him and treating him like a baby. I need out of my house cux my mom is starting to resent me and i cant take it anymore. I have everything i want but it doesnt mean shit because its not how it should be. I am exhausted with living but i am too chickenshit to kill myself. I dont want to die i just want to feel alive inside again. And i want my guy to be sober and get help. I dont want anyone else. I have no energy to start over and try to trust again 🙁 i need saving
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3 comments
I know what it’s like to be the mistake child. to feel like you don’t fit in to feel like your parents resent you. It sucks. But at some point I just said fuck it. You can’t choose your biological family but one day you can make your own family and hey will be friends you choose to love with all your heart. So for now try and stay strong. Beaus eyou can one day proove to your family you are worth way more than they think and you can finally live your own life.
As for your bf. Maybe u see the good things in him. Because no matter how horrible a person is there is always something good to make up for it.
Don’t get me wrong you may just be thinking you deserve someone that is bad because of what you did. But honey it’s always your choice and if you thought at the time you couldn’t raise a baby w/out a father then you made the right decision. You wouldn’t want to raise a child in an unstable enviorment anyway. You’ll get the chance to have a child again and when you do you can show all your love everyday and feel comfortable knowing that he/she will grow up comfortably and loved in a wonderful family.
So yeah you need to be saved and i have no idea how to save you. Maybe your the only hope of saving yourself. So i hope you realize only you know what is best for you at the moment and we can only remindyou that and be here to support u. So for now think about your bf. If you truely think he is a good person deep down then screw it. His insecurities are just a little blemish. You can always choose to look past them. But if you think he isn’t changing anytime soon and isn’t helpfull and supportive towards you then you need to choose to move on and maybe one day you cna go back to him after you’ve heald yourself because maybe right now being with him is just breaking you more.
you have no idea how much hearing this helped. thank you 🙂
Sounds like its linked to your low self esteem. If you have a relationship with a parasite your just going to get stung. Find better quality people and learn to love yourself more.