the night

I’ve made a terrible mistake staying up this late. I’ve no distractions to keep my mind from wandering. It keeps going back to some words that were never ever meant to be viewed as bad. ‘I’ve just had no motivation to get on here, I’ve no one to talk to.’ Aren’t I someone?? don’t i matter at all?? i thought we helped each other, that we promised that if anything went wrong that was too much to handle ourselves, we would reach out to each other for that help we need. Am i not enough? is it because we’re thousands of miles away? Is it because my words come through a computer rather than you hearing them from my own lips? how am i not enough..! Tell me how i’m not enough! i devote my life to you because you’re all i truly care for anymore. i am willing to give up everything, my life, everything for you! i’ve shed tears i promised never to shed, i’ve bled red streams of blood that i promised would never come to be. All because i’m worried about you… and yet after everything, i’m not enough to even say hello to? not even to tell me that you’re going through a rough patch in life? what is it about me that keeps you away? What do you hate about me? There will always be something! Everyone hates something about me, what do you hate?? Tell me so I can fix it! I will turn into another person for you if it will make you happy again. i want to see a smile on your face, i want to envision your smile, your happiness, your joy and know that it’s real after all that time of you drowning in grief and misery.

i’m crying because of that stupid sentence that probably isn’t supposed to hurt me at all. I want to be useful to you. You fuel my fire to pursue my career dream whenever I feel like giving up and seeing him again. as of right now, words of a dead man and you are the only things keeping me alive. disappearing for over a month without a single word or a fucking heads up isn’t funny! I bit myself again because of it! I was agitated and horrified. You know my imagination makes me think of the worst possible scenarios! i thought something horrible happened to you..! and i wasn’t there to help your, save you… not even comfort you. i kept myself free from the biting for almost two months, then you disappeared. i was doing so well for you and you abandoned me! Don’t support what this ***** keeps whispering in my head. don’t leave me alone. i don’t want to be alone, nii-san, i want to be your little sister and be your support. i can’t do it very well thousands of miles away, not way to call you, and only a fucking computer to talk to you through. i can only do so much for you when we talk. i can’t do fucking anything when you say nothing! why can’t i be useful to you? don’t leave me like he did please… i gave my heart to him and he was taken away from me. i’m trusting what is left to you don’t disappear like he did. what will be left?? what could possibly be left? i’ve lost compassion for the people around me and am running dry of the tolerance of this place. i’m working so hard to just find a way to see you with my own eyes. i want to see my big brother so i can hold you and tell you face to face that i’m here for you! i don’t want to be useless to you, so please  don’t leave..! you’re all i have left worth fighting for