I’ve been married now for almost 5 years. I live in a state without my immediate family. I have tried to make friends, but it always seems like I end up with the selffish ones. I Never thought moving to a new state would make it so hard to find a place where I can fit in. I try to make friends so I can have someone to hangout with or talk to when I need a friend. It is so hard to use my out of state family, because I don’t want them to worry about me if something is hurting me.
Lately, I find myself hurting a lot. All I do is cry and feel like I’m breaking down. Instead of my husband helping me he is only hurting me and pushing me away. I feel like dying sometimes and the only thing holding me on is the fact that Suicide is wrong in my religion. I sometimes believe it would be the easiest way out of all this pain I carry inside. I try to get my husband to help but he is too selffish to care for me. He can barely tell me he loves me. Recently he went out 4 nights in a row, with mutual people we know. I don’t know the way he he does, but I know who they are. Mixed group of older guys and girls. He would go out until 2-4 in the morning. Lie about where they were going or how long he would be out for. I can’t take this anymore, but I love him way to much to leave him and I know he will change eventually. I talk to him, I cry to him. I try to explain to him how lonely I am and I feel like it falls on deaf ears. Instead he goes behind my back and changes all the passwords to the work accounts and the work phone number. I don’t know if he is hiding something but it sure feels like it. He always wants to hang out with this new gropu of people that he met andhe lies to me about it. I’m always home and I feel like I am in a prison. Like I am confined to this house and there is no way out. I just want him to be there for me. To love and care for me. I just want him to hug me and tell me everything will be okay. I am hurting, and feel so much pain. I wish he would help me heal. I’m getting to the point where I will take medicine so I could feel numb, or fall asleep instead of dealing with the pain.
I hope this writing thing will help my thoughts and feelings being written down a form of healing.
10 comments
I can relate to you so much. I am from the west coast and moved to the east coast to be with a man I have been with for a year… and i am completely in love with him. But since I got here it has been a lot of pain and heartache. i have no family, no friends, and it seems like all we do is fight. I just want to make him happy, I will spend hours crying every night and the only reaction he has is to get mad at me or say he is sick/done with me… just know you aren’t alone
I know my husband hates when I cry too. He says that I am a big girl and should not cry. He hates to see me crying. But it is hard sometimes to mask the hurt. I try not to cry, but lately I feel that is all I do. I hate this depressed feeling. I did buy a book to read to help so that way I don’t feel like I’m always alone. I may also go visit friends and family in the next couple weeks. Then I will come back and just try and be happy. I wish you the best of luck to us both. I hope your man comes around, as I do mine. Thanks for your reply.
Remember, you are a strong independent woman. There is nothing preventing you from going out and enjoying yourself like he does. Most relationships go through this phase. There might come a time when you think about giving him an ultimatum. You have to allow him his freedom and not be overprotective. At the same time he shouldn’t neglect you. This issue arose on SP chat yesterday and really, no one agrees with anything I said because I don’t have much experience in marriage. I can see the future, that’s why I’m not married. I want to settle these issues from the outset with someone I relate with. That’s hard to find.
I think no matter how much you care for someone it’s inevitable that there will come a time you take them for granted so I just think you need to remind him. In the meantime just go out and treat yourself. Lists of married people have separate interests. You can make friends, I’m sure someone would like to know you.
Thank you for your advice. I am trying on the friends front, so that way I don’t depend consistently on him to make me happy. We have talked about it. I just think he is fed up with talking about it. His solution is maybe I need to visit family. Which, I am going to go in a couple of weeks. I just feel like he always puts priorities of others over mine. Or over our relationship. I am going to back off and see what happens, but I can only hope it will get better. I am going to treat myself. It is the only thing I can do. Just going out alone isn’t all that fun.
Hi MsLonely. Can’t say that I know anything about marriage, because I do not. However, I thought I might give you my 2 cents on the situation anyway. I noticed in your comment to Duke you say that you’re trying to find friends so that you don’t always have to depend on your husband to make you happy. In a way, yes, your husband should be making you happy instead of making the pain and loneliness you feel worse. On the other hand, I don’t think you can or should rely on anyone to make you happy. I think that everyone is responsible for their own happiness. Other people will let you down when you rely on them to make you happy. And they do, don’t they? So, in line with what Duke said, you should find something to do that makes you happy.
About your husband, I’m guessing you’ve tried several times to explain how you’re feeling to him, and his response is to walk away and go out with some friends? This isn’t right, obviously. Do you know for a fact that he’s been lying and keeping secrets? You seen to have reached a certain conclusion about what he might be hiding from you, without specifically saying what that is. I would suggest confronting him about all of this. Tell him exactly how you’re feeling. Don’t leave anything out. Communicate. You can’t make he communicate back, but you can start the conversation. If you fail to get anywhere that way, do you think you would try couples counseling?
Hi TheGoodGirl,
You are right and so is Duke, I am in control of my destiny especially when it comes to happiness. I should find something that I could do that would make me happy. I shouldn’t depend on my husband, or put that expectation on any friends. @GoodGirl, he would never try anything remotely close to counseling.
Your guess is partly correct, when I do try to explain my feelings, his response is typically he doesn’t want to talk about it and wants to be alone, or he would leave. I have caught him in lies,most of all are silly. I just think that he finds lying easier than telling the truth. But when I find out, he makes excuses as to why he lied, or covers up that it was even a lie. I should update you all and say we had a conversation yesterday. I feel that a lot of his lack of communication, and that fact that he has pulled himself away from me stems from his teenage years. He has some issues he needs to work with because they do affect our relationship. But he feels that he is the way he is and there is no helping him. I told him that I would always be here for him. Also, he never really answers me when I open up about feeling alone and depressed. He gives partial insight and thinks I just should invite friends over. Sometimes go out if I want. But then he is picky with whom is allowed to come over and he says I am a housewife not a girl that should be going out and partying. When Its not that I want to party it is that I want to hang out with him when he goes out, or really just grab a cup of coffee at night if he is going out then why should I stay home alone, when the opportunity to meet u with a friend for coffee or something like that. It’s not like I’m club hopping. But to him it is, and I should stay at home.
He constantly compares our marriage to his parents or my parents, and he fails to realize that the times have changed drastically since both. He expected in this marriage someone that would stay at home, keep the house tidy, cook dinner, not question him, and be “happy”. He doesn’t realize both parents his and mine, never had fathers that would go to work, and as soon as they got home, would get up and leave to hang out with friends, or be asked to be left alone. My parents loved being with each other. My mom would ask for space from my father because he was too much at times. HIs mother and father are the same way, they did a lot together. So, I am not sure where exactly his definition of marriage is coming from.
We have a lot to work on. I told him I would give him space. As much as I care for him, after spilling all this to him, I am going to let him digest it and I will wait. One thing that this post has opened me up to is, that I will not expect him to make me happy, but I will expect from him, a portion of his time.
You should go to meetup.com or a similar site and find people you have things in common with. It will give you something to get you out of the house and look forward to, as well as provide you with friends to talk to about such things and possibly get face to face, personal support (which is always best) and hopefully good advise about your circumstances.
Nolentwohundred,
I will look at the site. Thanks for looking out.
I am???
Duke, yes about giving space. I thought about it and I’ve realized I can not depend always on him for everything, I did set my expectations too high. For the longest time, before I joined this site, I never felt like I had a reason to live because of how lonely I was. I even failed to let you all know I did try to take pills and it didn’t work. I was in a really dark place when I did that. I really am happy I was able to write down and read some responses that have helped me. I just hope this momentum lasts.