im sorry

This one time I saw a little girl eating ice cream and playing with her little brother. Her hair was puffy and cute. Full of volume. she had glasses and she looked happy. She was smiling. She looked about 7-8 years of age. When i saw her my heart filled with joy of how cute she looked. i wanted to hug her because she looked really cute, but all I did was yell “oh my god look at that child’s hair!” and i pointed at her. Like a *****. LIKE AN IDIOT. I went home and didn’t say a word to anyone. I locked myself in my room. And I thought about how her little face turned expressionless. i kept thinking about how much of a ***** I was. in front of everyone. I pointed at her and embarrassed her. i was 13. Much older than her. and i did that shit. i hated myself. i began to remember when kids would push me around in the playground. How im ugly and all the kids hated me. Because i was annoying and weird. so i took a box cutting blade and i swiped it across both my wrists. i felt like i hurt her, a lot. And I couldn’t forgive myself for doing something like that. Something that broke me because it was done to me so many times when i was younger i couldn’t forgive myself for hurting an innocent little girl. So i walked back and said “I’m sorry i didn’t mean it like that, i meant your hair is very pretty I’ve always wanted it like that”. Her ice cream fell and she just stared at me. expressionless. i stood up and said “im sorry i didn’t mean it like that” i hated myself. i hated what i did. and i couldn’t forgive myself. To this day i still cant. I’m ashamed, and i always will be.