I have only ever wanted one thing. It’s the only thing that I will never have.
In grade school, I was maybe seven years old, my teacher asked us to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up. I drew myself with a bunch of babies and kids running around and wrote “stay at home mom.” Now, I’d say my goals have changed considerably, I’d rather work than stay home, but I still have dreams about little green-eyed babies.
My freshman year of college I found out that I’ll never get those babies. I also found out that I will never be in love, I’ll never get married, I’ll never be happy.
I have a disease, it’s embarrassing to say the least and debilitating if I think about it too much. It’s physical and psychological. I’d rather have a whole slew of other diseases over this one. At least people with cancer can talk about it, they don’t have to be embarrassed of their disease, they can get support from total strangers. Not saying I want cancer, I’m just saying this disease isn’t like that, I wouldn’t want anyone to know that I have it.. ever.
My mom is the only person on the planet, other than doctors, that knows what’s happening to me and she’s not the type to help out. Not a real talker when it comes to personal stuff which is shit-tastic in my situation.
I have a boyfriend, he’s fantastic, too good for me. Then again I think everyone is too good for me. I’m afraid if he found out how disgusting I really am he’d leave me for a more normal girl.
I’ve had a lot of boyfriends and a lot of guys that wanted to be with me. I guess when I’m hiding my symptoms I’m still attractive, but I’d never let anyone see me when I wasn’t. I don’t feel attractive most of the time. I know people think I’m confident, probably because when I’m drinking or pill popping I forget my own name let alone my insecurities.
I never let anyone too close. Not even my sister, who’s also my best friend, knows what I go through on a daily basis. No one does. Not one person, except me of course. And the other girls out there that go through the same thing, but I don’t know any of them. I’ve never met anyone like me. Never had a friend to suffer with. All alone. And I hate being alone. I like to share my problems, get other people’s input. Being so closed and secretive is probably the worst part. Second to having the damn disease in the first place.
I’ve been depressed for two years, ever since I found out. My doctor tried to send me to therapist, but I hate telling people about my problem. I had a panic attack when I had to be diagnosed because it meant I had to actually tell someone what was wrong. My doctor was nice, but she didn’t understand what I was going through at all.
Speaking of panic attacks, I have them all the time. They were a lot worse when I used to smoke a lot of pot. I’ve learned to control them for the most part now. The first few times I thought I was dying. it was terrifying.
I think about suicide all the time, almost, if not every day. But then I think about the feeling I get when I’m having an attack and I feel my heart beating so hard. When it’s really bad I think I’m dying and I panic more. So tonight when I ruled out slitting my wrists it was because I know it won’t be instant, and I don’t want to be horrified for the last five minutes or so of my life. I’d rather be calm.
I’ve thought about jumping, but it seems messy. Same with a bullet to the head. I’ve pretty much settled on huffing some exhaust fumes. Just drifting off to sleep. Doesn’t seem too scary.
The problem with that is, my body will be left behind. Unguarded, meaning anyone can look at me. Anyone could see a symptom, and I’d be remembered as a freak instead of a friend. So I’m a little hung up on that part…maybe I could get hit by a train or something so I’d be in pieces?… it’s a dilemma.
But I have one last problem, I love my life. I have fucked up over and over and over… I got an STD, I got a DUI, I cheated on the only boy I ever loved when I was young and still normal enough to have a decent relationship, I failed a couple college classes, I got fired from my job. Most of this crap was post-diagnoses, but some of it was before. I’ve been screwing up my whole life. My self-confidence has always been shit, and I’m guessing that’s why.
Despite all of this though, I enjoy my life a lot of the time. I laugh until I cry with my friends, I do lovey-dovey stuff with my boyfriend when I have minimal symptoms, my dad is my favorite person on the planet and we get along great. I’m the life of the party… or so I’m told, I often forget the party. I’m smart, when I try, and I do extremely well in school. I have some really amazing friends.
I know how to survive with my condition, I ignore it and focus on all of that ^^^
But then I have a bad night. Like tonight. Where the reality of my situation comes crashing down on me. And I beat myself up for not taking the meds, but then I tell myself to stay the hell away from that toxic shit, which leaves me with no solution to any problem and I just want it to end. I don’t want to live a long miserable life. And I know from reading stories of others who are similar that that’s all I have to look forward to. Women in their 50s talking about how their lives have never gone back to the way they were before this shit hit them 30 years ago. Women who are miserable.
My fucked up future awaits. I’m not sure I want to make it there.. I think I’d rather end it all now. But part of me isn’t read to give up. Not yet.
Help?
9 comments
No fucked up future awaits you since you’re living with your disease now and it’s the future already. It seems you have a happy life. A boyfriend. Please! It’s been long since I’ve had that. You have people that care for you and admire you and this is the point when I say the cliche line “life is not perfect”.
Did you write here once before a few months ago talking about your disease? If it was you, I remember and I looked it up. It seemed uncomfortable but if you have all of the other aspects in your life going well, this is just a black spot in the sun. Or at least I wish you could see it that way.
I am sure that there are times like tonight when it can be overwhelming, but tomorrow is another day out of the most likely bright you seem to have so the answer to your question is: No. You are not ready and there’s no reason to kill yourself really. Please do take your meds for your condition. It can only help.
Please be at peace with yourself and your illness. We all have fucked up issued to deal with, but when the good outweighs the bed; there’s not even a reason to hover around this site.
Get some sleep and dream of the beautiful things you have in life that I wish I had.
I’ve never posted here before. I wish I could say that your comment helps me, but understand that I’ve told myself the same things over and over. It could be worse. Blah blah blah.
I know I have a lot and it’s because the strength of my personality outweighs my depression sometimes and allows me to live a normal life. But none of what I have seems to matter because it’s all kept at a distance.
I don’t know about your life at all, but I wish it didn’t suck…
Anyways, most of my depression revolves around not being able to have kids. A boy I’d known since I was in diapers blew his head off a few years ago when he found out he couldn’t have children. He was married, and happy in all other areas of his life… but when you’re lifelong dream is no longer even a possibilty… that’s rough.
I bet it is rough. In my case I won’t have kids cause of a very “non understandable obsessive” philosophy of mine, but I understand. Adopting doesn’t feel the same to you, I guess?
My life sucks because I’ve managed to create a prison inside my head, besides being extremely bipolar and losing everything to my diluted mind.
I don’t know… Could you not be happy having your friends and family, getting married adopting a couple of children and raising them?
Alright if you can ignore my last post, it was directed at you, but now I feel bad about it.
I have thought about adoption, even before I found out I couldn’t get pregnant for sure because I didn’t want to pass on shitty genes. But it’s not what I’ve always wanted. I know you can’t always get what you want, but its the ONE thing I really want, you know?
Just seems unfair.
Plus… I may not have a problem finding guys, but keeping them with insecurities like mine is an issue. And try finding a family man who doesn’t want to have his own kids! The guy I’m dating right now is perfect for me, but he wants kids of his own. Kids I can’t give him, and he doesn’t even know it.
I hate hiding things from the people I love. I hate having a hard time loving other people because I can’t love myself.
I have the same issue as you, I can attract men easily but they soon notice that there’s something really wrong with me so they never commit and I quickly find myself being “disposable” and hating and blaming myself even more.
You are lucky you have this man and I am not so sure he’d turn you down because you can’t have kids. One of my cousin’s biggest dreams was also to have kids, you can still see the crave; but so far she hasn’t been lucky. Her husband is the typical model of a family guy but he’s still there and adores her like I’ve never seen anyone love anyone in my life, I tell you. She has a problem with her prolactine levels and that also causes her, ironically, to feel the pregnancy synthoms even though being far from such state. It seems quite uncomfortable but she travels, paints and is always with her husband. I wish I had her life.
If I’m being honest with myself, I don’t think this one would ever leave me. But I’m selfish and want what I want and that’s to have children. And to be comfortable in my own skin again.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with you. And I don’t mean that as in you aren’t bipolar or anything like that, I’m sure you are what you say you are.
But as far as I can see on here, you’re a kind, compassionate person. So you get a little angry every once in a while, so what! The right guy is gonna know how NOT to push your buttons. I’ve had that issue believe me. When you hate yourself, when you’re insecure, suicidal… it’s hard not to be defensive. It’s hard to trust others. And it’s hard to hear other people complain because what’s going on inside of you seems so much worse. It takes a lot to change your attitude too.
I’m a psychology student, I don’t think I mentioned that before. I used Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to re-wire my anger into understanding. It sounds like mumbo jumbo, but it really can work wonders for people, especially those like us who are so caught up in our own heads. It won’t work miracles, but it can really help with bipolar disorder. Sorry if I’m getting too clinical. :/
I wish I had the lives of so many people! It’s sad. I’m jealous of every girl that walks by. It blows my mind when they’re jealous of me. I have to remind myself that they don’t know what’s happening underneath the mask sometimes.