All my life i was never good enough. i was too slow, to quiet, too black, too something. no one wanted to be my friend no one wanted to be my family. my mom was only there financially but she never showed me physical love. my dad wasnt there. and i had two other siblings that lived with me and yet didnt wanna be bothered with me. i seeked attention from guys. ended up having mutliple sex partners just to feel loved. in the end they all left me where i started alone. i ended up being molested by my moms ex and she resented me for it. ended uo in controlling relationships. abusive relationships. constanly being told im not good enough or im ot doing something right. i try my hardest to please everyone cuz i hate thee feeling of being deserted.
i keft home at ended up marrying someone for security and he left me too, i was too depressed, and yes i was crazy. i did things i said things i let all my built in anger out on him. i regret that. and because of that i promised to never be that person again. and since he left me ive been homeless or staying with people i shouldnt be staying with. i ended up getting abused, raped, and homeless again. and now its happening all over again. i find someone and treat him like a king, but if i dont do what he says when he says it he constantly belittles me. talks down to me. calls me stupid. constantly saying he can find someone else. i dont want to be in this relationship but i will kill myself if i end up on the st. because unlike all the times before i still always had at least one person i could semi rely on. now all i have is him. i hate the feeling of abandonment. i hate feeling worthless and like ill always be worthless. i hate feeling insecure because he contantly says he could go find someone else.its like he gets a kick out of saying stuff like that. knowing how much ive been through. i cant even eat. ive never felt this bad that i couldnt even eat., i just feel like laying in the bed and never leaving it. i just want my body to give up. i pray alot of nights that i dont wake up. this is just too much for one person to bear… i just wish for one moment i wouldnt go through so much. one moment that i could genuinely be happy.
2 comments
litterally NONE OF THIS is your fault. if you get molested, its not your fault, if youre abused it’s not your fault. guys treat you like shit to make you want to stay. you shouldn’t kill yourself, but god, you really do have it bad. i’m so sorry. i hope this guy can treat you well and do what is APPARENTLY too hard for men not to do, hit a girl. really, i cant understand why someone does that, i’m 17 and have been through 11 relationships, all failing, i just want love too, everyone does. but i’d never hit a girl. thats awful. if you end up on the streets, i’ll fucking mail you money to keep you from killing yourself. i’d hate to see all this and then see it end with a suicide. you deserve better.
Is finding work and getting your own place an option? From what you’ve written, that would seem to be the best choice. Find work somewhere–anywhere–save up enough to get out of that prison, and find a cheap apartment for yourself. You can’t keep being treated like this. If you do end up having to leave him i’m told that there are group homes for people like you that you could stay at until you get on your feet.