I think I am going to use the charcoal grill method. I don’t want it to be messy. I don’t want it to be overly traumatic for whatever stranger finds me. Not sure WHERE I want to do it. I don’t want anyone else harmed. I want it to be a little while before anyone has the chance to find me too. I have neighbors on the other side of the wall, so I shouldn’t do it at my home. I want to get some things in order before I go. The only note I want to leave is for my mom. Just telling her how much I love her and that I’m sorry.
Everyone else can go to hell. They all let me down, let me know what a loser I was, hurt me, turned their back on me, ignored me, made me feel bad, didn’t appreciate my friendship, took my kindness for weakness, etc. etc.
I do want to put some things in order. I maybe want to save some money for my own funeral expenses. Pay off my car so they can sell it to pay for it. I know what cemetery I want to be buried in. I know I want to be cremated.
I haven’t been happy for most of my life. I don’t know how to be. I don’t know if that is even for me in this lifetime, and I don’t know if it is in the cards at all… you know?
I don’t want to get dramatic, but I want to get this much off my chest. It’s at a point where the idea of my own death doesn’t make me sad. I just feel relief at the idea of being in an environment of unconditional love. I think I can finish fulfilling my purpose better on The Other Side.
(Now I am talking about my own spiritual beliefs. In case you’re wondering, no, I do not believe in a “Hell.” And I don’t believe suicides go there, nor do I believe they are chastized.)
In my faith, everything is experience – good, bad, indifferent. I am ready to end my experience. I don’t want to go through the rest of my life in this state of nothingness.
5 comments
I’m sorry you feel the way you are feeling now. I don’t really know what to say to make you feel better.
I’m familiar with charcoal, so I wanted to let you know some things. It will be suffocating and hard to breathe. You cannot breathe it like normal air. Also if there is no warning sign, it could be harmful to someone else in a very small closed environment.
How’s it going man? I can kinder understand how ya feeling. I’ll never truly be able to understand, I’ll never be able to see the world through your eyes. But I can at least listen to your words. (Well in this case read em lol)
But honestly fuck em all. Your not weak, your not a loser, your YOU. Nothing more, nothing less. Your a person just like me, just like everyone on the planet.
When I think about the cards your dealt in life. I suppose it all comes down to a few things. Not so much the cards them self. An not so much how you play em. Its figuring out if ya playing poker, or snap.
An the way your trying to take such care into not to burden anyone with the choices you make (an they are your choices, its the one thing noone can ever touch. There yours) makes me feel your a decent person. You don’t deserve to feel alone. Noone does.
(Its fucking lonely man lol)
Jkota
Omg im doing the same, getting supplys soon.. wanna emaol?
Thank you, jjgirl13.
I’m sorry I feel this way also.
Well, there’s no easy method, is there? If I did that, I’d definitely down some sleeping pills beforehand. It’s the most likely scenario for me right now, but I’d be open to something else, if something better presented itself.
I know I’ve reached a turning point, because my death doesn’t make me tear up and cry….. but the idea of living another few decades feeling like THIS certainly does.
The idea of the process of my death kind of makes me a little sick, but again, the alternative of going on like this feels worse.
I know once the death, funeral, shock is over, everyone will be fine very soon.
I don’t know when I’m doing this exactly, Atlanta27. I want to save up money and sort of come up with the arrangements and pay for it myself. They’ll be simple arrangements of course. I want cremation. Whether they want to set up a viewing for themselves… my family can decide that. But I don’t care about it. It’d be cheaper just to cremate me right away and bury me. I know what cemetery I want to be buried in. I want simple black granite stone. I have an idea for a simple design. Very simple. I don’t need much of a service at all. But I love the idea of resting in that beautiful cemetery because it’s a beautiful place. A little paradise right in the middle of this little city and I go there even now to meditate now and then.