why do I have this life??

You’re father is wrong, but it sounds like your mother is also probably a victim of your father’s control. I know it can be hard to understand what I’m about to say, but consider this. You are being tortured. But it isn’t your fault. And as bad as it is, there are people who have suffered far worse torture than an abusive father. This is true almost no matter how evil your father acts, short of actually killing someone. Think of the millions of people who suffered in the Holocaust. Have you ever seen the photos of those people? They barely looked human they were so starved and beaten. And Vietnam POW’s were regularly kept in 3x3x3 bamboo cages, some for years. As they got smaller and smaller, they were poked with sticks every day. I’m not saying that what you are enduring isn’t “bad enough”, I’m simply saying that you CAN survive it. You can. And who gives a fuck about your father? Fuck him. You will always be younger, and stronger soon, too. One day it will all change. You will both know it when it happens, and everything will be different after that. But you’ve got to make it to there. Suicide would only justify everything he has ever said bad about you. And it would leave your mother to deal with him by herself. You need to be strong for your entire family. You can do it.