I’m sitting outside the hotel.
I don’t want to go in there.
It’s only a class reunion,
But what if they stare?
Twenty-five years ago,
Did they really even know me?
Will they remember the pain they caused?
Did they even see?
I tried not to let it show.
I had to stay strong,
But with their mean words and actions,
I was almost gone.
It’s a miracle I’m still here.
It’s a miracle I was found.
Hanging by a thread,
Close to six feet underground.
I haven’t seen anyone in forever.
Last they knew I was in rehab.
Doctors wouldn’t let me go back.
A better life, they wanted me to have.
So I couldn’t be around them.
Not anymore.
They didn’t know when I left
That I eventually gained a life of glore.
Ghosts from the past still haunt me.
They cling on with all their might.
They beat me down constantly,
They make me lose sight.
These goals I’ve accomplished,
All the books I’ve wrote.
All my efforts to forget…
Are hardly of support.
I still need counseling
So I don’t cut.
I still need medication
So I don’t self-destruct.
But after a seven hour flight,
Then another four in a car,
Why wouldn’t I go in?
Why did I come so far?
I have to go in.
I can’t be weak.
I slowly get out…
But what will they say to me?
I begin to walk,
But then turn back.
I’m about to cry,
I need to relax.
I pull back my shoulders,
Put up my head.
‘Just for an hour,’ I think,
‘Can I forget what they said?’
Before I know it,
I face the door.
I’m shaking and sweating.
I’ve never been this scared before.
Sure, I’ve been on talk shows
On national TV.
How is the thought of simply walking in
So badly scaring me?
Though probably most successful,
I’m also must frightened.
It goes to show
That bullying is much too notable.
I look down at my arms.
There are still hundreds of silver scars.
They’re there from my cutting
Before I became a star.
Those people don’t know how they hurt me.
They could never see.
Everything they said or did
Is one of these scars tattooing me.
I drank to forget the pain.
I tried to drink to death.
I cut, did drugs, everything.
But nothing brought the gift of death.
Though now I’m famous,
So very respectfully known,
The fright from remembrance
Is much too easily shown.
Twenty-five years later,
What should it really matter?
When I walk in,
Will my new self-esteem shatter?
Heck, it’s time to stop fighting.
I put on a false grin,
Fake a better smile,
Take a deep breath, and walk in.