Note to self…

It’s been a brutal semester.  I just need to get this out, so I can concentrate on completing my final paper.  I’m feeling tremendously overwhelmed.  Failure weighs heavily, on my mind, I got kicked out of university my first year, I took too many classes, yes my parents pressured me, but I could have said no and I missed the deadline to withdraw without penalty.  One of my friend’s had the same problem and she found out we could talk to the dean, I didn’t show up for my appointment with the dean because I believed all the things I had ever heard about myself and if someone outside of my family said it, I felt that would make it definitely true.  In my brain, I had “don’t kill yourself” on auto-tune.  I felt like I was beyond asking for help.   That’s one of my issues.  I don’t ask for help because I don’t think anyone will help me.  I fucked up my whole life because I didn’t ask for help, while all my friends are married and starting families, I’m still slowly finishing university.  My friend (the one who asked for help from the dean) was able to withdraw from her classes without penalty.

If only…but I don’t live in a world of “if only”…

Now I work dead end jobs with crabby bitter people whom I allow their negativity to screw my daily peace.  I bawled for 5 minutes (like the crazy ugly muffled crying) at work on Friday because I was stressed.  I’m embarrassed because it’s a fishbowl and other people may have heard me.   At the same time, I’m not embarrassed, it was real and I was doing what I needed to do to make myself feel better.  I never used to let myself feel better without directly harming myself, so kudos to me, that is a step in the right direction.

I’m killing it with an A average, plus working a full time and part time job so I don’t have to get a student loan and can stay afloat..I’m a fucking ninja.  I am not who I was before, the past does not define me, I’m evolving into a better version of me.  I need to forgive myself, give myself as many chances as it takes to achieve success and just believe (I know that sounds like mindless therapeutic drivel).

Once I graduate, I won’t have to work so much and I can find a better job.  I have a plan, maybe someday I’ll find something that’s better than the average white picket fence.    I’m not going to blow out my fierce little light.  I’m here for a reason, life is amazing when you stop and think about how grateful you are for the little things.  I have asthma so sometimes just being able to breathe reminds me how grateful I am.  Yes, my therapist said I have a depressive pattern to my thinking, I have bad days and lots of pressure, yes I still think 80 times a day when I’m majorly stressed about how satisfying it is to resort to old coping mechanisms.  My depressive patterned thinking yearns for the numbing edge of the abyss because it’s easier to not feel anything…it’s easier not to try…

I want to take care of myself and give myself a chance and stop my depressive thinking patterns from getting in my way.  I deserve good things.  I needed  to remind myself.

Thanks for listening SP. No one understands the way you do. xo hurt