Sometimes I wish I’d just die already. I wish that I’d drowned when I was 2, or hit my head on the concrete as an infant like I almost did, but the universe is dead set on watching me suffer. I’ve tried so many different things to try and make it all go away, I tried cutting, it didn’t help, I tried popping tylenol whenever I felt down, and it helped for a while, but it doesn’t anymore. I’ve tried just crying for a long time, it made me feel worse.
I’m only 13, and life has already ended for me. My past is full of the mistakes I made, all the things people said and did, my present is blurred by the tears I just can’t shed, and my future is invisible.
I can’t see myself living until Monday even! I can just barely struggle and pull myself through the day. When I try to think of the future, I picture a casket, I picture people’s reactions when they see me kill myself, I plan out each and every bit of stinging revenge I can take by just watching their faces as I bleed out in front of their eyes.
It’s a constant temptation. All those medications I can swallow, the array of knives I can slash my throat with, all the buildings I can just jump off. All the bleach, cleaners, and poison I can drink, it all looks so good to me. I just want to slip away, like tears down the shower drain.
7 comments
wow 13 years old and already wanting to pack it up! i think you should wait for at least another lets say 13 years to give life a real shot.
13. Dude, 13 sucks. But wait it out. Hard as that may seem. You are clearly a really bright, thoughtful, insightful kid. Seriously, you write better than most of the college kids I teach. Stick it out. You have better days ahead.
things will get better for you.
First, I have to tell you that killing oneself is not easy and most people “fail” their attempts and often have organ damage afterward. Also, relationships and options can get worse after an attempt.
Second, you sound really depressed. I doubt that’s your fault. Can you get professional help?
catchthebus, I don’t want professional help. I’m terrified of therapists, I don’t want happy pills, I don’t want people in my life to really know. They’ll all judge me, life will get so much worse if people outside the Internet find out
I’m not going to lie there’s going to be people that will not take well to it and will even try to put you down but if you could find just one person or even this site to talk to I’d hang out to it
Thats ok if now isn’t the time to talk to others outside the internet. I understand the terror of therapists–I’m searching for one myself and lots of them suck. I don’t want your life to get worse, as you say, if people IN your life find out you want to LEAVE your life.
Ambivalence about suicide sucks, too, but the longer you can hang on, hopefully, you’ll make the very best decision in the end. If you can just hang on another day, a little longer…