Well, I’m not really sure how to do this.. But, here goes.
October 7th, 2010, exactly a week after my 14th birthday, I attempted to commit suicide. I shot myself in the head with a 22 Rugger handgun. I felt as if nobody cared, like something was wrong with me because I just could’t be happy no matter what I did. I didn’t want to feel this way but, I couldn’t control it. I felt like a burden on my family, I felt as if it’d be easier on them if I just disappeared. That day at school, all I could think about was, “What if I just wasn’t here? No more pain, no more hurt, no more disappointing everyone, NO MORE SUFFERING.” That same day, I had a school French project to work on, I sent it to my mom’s email so she could print it off. I told her when she got home. Apparently, I sent it to the wrong email, I sent it to her work email. We had an argument over this, I felt even more worthless and ignorant. It wasn’t a small argument, or at least I didn’t think so, I felt pretty insignificant at the end of it. My mom went to her work to print it off. By that time, I was done with everything. I went up to my grandparents house, played with my little brother, told him I loved him, and went inside, down the hall, into their bedroom to the dresser drawer where the handgun lay. I made sure it was loaded, went out the back door and into the woods. I walked down our path in the woods til’ I reached a large oak tree, tears were streaming down my face the whole walk down and by the time I reached the tree, I was hysterical. I put the gun to my head, bawling, asking myself why I felt the way I do, how could no one see the pain I am in?! I lowered the gun and walked deeper into the woods. I shot off into the woods just to see what it was going to be like. I was scared, who wouldn’t have been though? There I was, just turned 14 years old wanting to end my life.. Finally, I flung my arm up to my head and squeezed the trigger.
I awoken, unaware of what I had done, I was bleeding profusely, there was blood in my hair, in my mouth, it was everywhere.. I reached into my pocket for my cell phone, I dialed my mother’s cell phone and my older sister answered. “Help me, I don’t know what happened. I’m in the woods past the big oak tree. I’m bleeding a lot, I think I hit my head. I can’t move, hurry!!” My sister arrives, she picks me up and carries me to my stepdad’s truck. He begins asking what happened. All I can tell him is, “I don’t know”.. We’re on our way to the hospital, he tells me, “Mind you, someone was shooting in the woods.” And that’s when I realized.. I replied, “It was me.. I shot myself”. We met my mother on the road, he rolled down his window and yells, “Beth’s shot herself!” My mom thinks that one of my stepdad’s guns fell and misfired and shot my leg or something. She had no idea..
We reached the hospital. I remember them putting me on a stretcher and cutting all of my clothing off. They then stuck a tube down my throat to breathe for me because I was no longer breathing. That’s all I remember of it. They put me in a helicopter and rushed me to Brenner’s Children’s Hospital, where I had multiple surgeries to keep me alive.
Since then, I feel I have gotten a little better. I discovered who I really am or at least more than I had before. I realized, it was okay to be ME. To not care what people think, to be happy with who I am. I like girls, that’s a “problem” in my life. People give me shi* about it all the time and make my life a living Hell. I’ve learned to move past it though. I’m stronger than that.
I found this website Googling, “How to stab myself in the heart”.. Right now, I’m crying again, back to the feeling of suicide and depression. Nothing in my life is good right now. Yes, I have food, water, and shelter but, things are still missing. I feel selfish for wanting to die because, I know there are less fortunate people out there but, I cannot help the way I feel inside.. I wish to no longer exist.
If anyone is out there for me to talk to, I could really use it. Thank you so much for reading. God Bless!
-Beth
10 comments
That is a pretty incredible story. I hate it when people say “it’s not that bad”, “suicide is not the right choice”, etc, because they don’t truly know how you feel. Until they live life in your footsteps, they’re just saying things to boost their own ego. Before trying to end your life again, I’d say try 1 thing: try getting proper help. I don’t mean talking to friends, relatives, etc, F@#$ that. You’ll just hear more rhetoric and nonsense. Talk to a school counselor and ask for a low-cost or free psychological service local to you. If the counselor sucks, find another one! Just give it a chance, because that’s the only thing and the most straight-forward thing that will make a difference. I’ve had to fight, tooth and nail, to get proper psychological health and it made a HUGE difference in my life after my suicide attempt 10 years ago.. you can read it in my entry. It’s amazing how far you’ve come and already endured, so good luck on what you do next, Beth. -Ron
I can’t say I understand your position or I’d be lying. I really don’t think there’s much other people can do for us when we aren’t happy with our lives because no one else can fully share our perspective of things. If your looking to keep going, the most I can tell you is to keep holding onto something, such as music like you mentioned. F
Accidentally posted early :p. But to continue: for me, the one thing that keeps me going is skateboarding. I am in love with it and anytime I have considered my wanting to live, it’s the one thing I can turn to and everything makes sense for a while. Sometimes it’s by people that we need, it’s something to help us find ourselves. For me it’s skating, for you it could be anything. I hope I’ve been atlases some help and hopefully you ins what you are looking for.
LifesConfusing
Np. I guess we’re in the same boat, then, heh heh. I’ve tried working really hard with doctors for over 10 years and I’m still where I’m at. That’s cool that you have found something that you like and continue to do, despite the depression. One thing that may bring hope is that a lot of things change in your 20s. The depression is not necessarily outgrown, but the resources as far as new friends, communities, work, and simply what you do in your spare time changes 10x in those years. People are kinda caged and limited until they get out of the parents’ house. Along with those geographical and physical changes are a huge personal growth and the respect you get from other people. So much changes from just 18-21. SO much changes from 21-26. I just turned 30, and I think I’m fucked.. I ain’t looking forward to anything else happening, heh heh, so that’s where I’m drawing the line. 🙂 Hope others can chime in. I just want to say that life changed so much for me from moving from trashy L.A. to a much more laid back Seattle. Ever thought of a geographical change in the a few years to give ya another outlook on life?
Look for a reason not to. Like I mentioned in the second part of my post, I was fortunate enough to find skating. It’s something I do all alone and can be proud of myself for. Its like im in my own heaven when i skate, ad it feels good because im doing it for nothig but myself. I think everyone has something like this to live for in their life, they just need to find it
anyone who can play a guitar seems amazing. I always feel like playing a guitar because i am also a fan of music. When i am in bad mood try to listen to the music. It gives me calmness. You are also lucky having the ability to play a guitar.. You are only 14 . So i think I CAN tell you time is the best medicine. At your age i also tried to commit suicide for several times. But may be i was afraid , OR fortune favoring the brave I always stepped back at the very last moment. heheh 😀 i will be happy seeing you as a musician. 🙂 [if u want to be] . Best of luck. my little mary .
Again i have to tell you capable of playing guitar , piano and writing lyric is just awesome!! i also wrote some lyrics. these are your distinguishing quality.. i bet you have to find a good reason to live.
MaryBeth,
I don’t know what to say? You shot yourself before and survive and then things got better but now they are not? And you want to end it again? what’s wrong?
hi dear
you shot yourself.it is really really sad to here that.but believe me live now everyday.try to keep your brain engaged.do things what you like work hard my friend and life will be easy.
Beth! If you read this, please email me shortly at hollyriggs@rocketmail.com!
There’s a thing I need to ask you. It’s very important. Please!!! Just get in touch with me or drop a comment here as to how I could reach you. I’m not gonna bother you too much, I just have to clear up some issues. Ok?