My Story..

Well, I’m not really sure how to do this.. But, here goes.
October 7th, 2010, exactly a week after my 14th birthday, I attempted to commit suicide. I shot myself in the head with a 22 Rugger handgun. I felt as if nobody cared, like something was wrong with me because I just could’t be happy no matter what I did. I didn’t want to feel this way but, I couldn’t control it. I felt like a burden on my family, I felt as if it’d be easier on them if I just disappeared. That day at school, all I could think about was, “What if I just wasn’t here? No more pain, no more hurt, no more disappointing everyone, NO MORE SUFFERING.” That same day, I had a school French project to work on, I sent it to my mom’s email so she could print it off. I told her when she got home. Apparently, I sent it to the wrong email, I sent it to her work email. We had an argument over this, I felt even more worthless and ignorant. It wasn’t a small argument, or at least I didn’t think so, I felt pretty insignificant at the end of it. My mom went to her work to print it off. By that time, I was done with everything. I went up to my grandparents house, played with my little brother, told him I loved him, and went inside, down the hall, into their bedroom to the dresser drawer where the handgun lay. I made sure it was loaded, went out the back door and into the woods. I walked down our path in the woods til’ I reached a large oak tree, tears were streaming down my face the whole walk down and by the time I reached the tree, I was hysterical. I put the gun to my head, bawling, asking myself why I felt the way I do, how could no one see the pain I am in?! I lowered the gun and walked deeper into the woods. I shot off into the woods just to see what it was going to be like. I was scared, who wouldn’t have been though? There I was, just turned 14 years old wanting to end my life.. Finally, I flung my arm up to my head and squeezed the trigger.

I awoken, unaware of what I had done, I was bleeding profusely, there was blood in my hair, in my mouth, it was everywhere.. I reached into my pocket for my cell phone, I dialed my mother’s cell phone and my older sister answered. “Help me, I don’t know what happened. I’m in the woods past the big oak tree. I’m bleeding a lot, I think I hit my head. I can’t move, hurry!!” My sister arrives, she picks me up and carries me to my stepdad’s truck. He begins asking what happened. All I can tell him is, “I don’t know”.. We’re on our way to the hospital, he tells me, “Mind you, someone was shooting in the woods.” And that’s when I realized.. I replied, “It was me.. I shot myself”. We met my mother on the road, he rolled down his window and yells, “Beth’s shot herself!” My mom thinks that one of my stepdad’s guns fell and misfired and shot my leg or something. She had no idea..

We reached the hospital. I remember them putting me on a stretcher and cutting all of my clothing off. They then stuck a tube down my throat to breathe for me because I was no longer breathing. That’s all I remember of it. They put me in a helicopter and rushed me to Brenner’s Children’s Hospital, where I had multiple surgeries to keep me alive.

Since then, I feel I have gotten a little better. I discovered who I really am or at least more than I had before. I realized, it was okay to be ME. To not care what people think, to be happy with who I am. I like girls, that’s a “problem” in my life. People give me shi* about it all the time and make my life a living Hell. I’ve learned to move past it though. I’m stronger than that.

I found this website Googling, “How to stab myself in the heart”.. Right now, I’m crying again, back to the feeling of suicide and depression. Nothing in my life is good right now. Yes, I have food, water, and shelter but, things are still missing. I feel selfish for wanting to die because, I know there are less fortunate people out there but, I cannot help the way I feel inside.. I wish to no longer exist.

If anyone is out there for me to talk to, I could really use it. Thank you so much for reading. God Bless!

-Beth