I rather die now rather then later, i have thought of death since i was 5 or so and thought of ways to go to do the deed, i am 24 now . I was married for 3 years to my highschool sweetheart. I work at a hospital and love the place. I am mostly known as a bright , outgoing happy go lucky girl, but I much rather die. There is this pain that I am always surrendered to, a feeling of almost bliss when I surrender that yes its my time to die. I feel calm and the pain seems to make since and I just let it wash over me and I never do the deed. Yet lately I just dont care to wait for my life to keep going , whats the point ? I will die anyways not like i can run from it. I just dont want to keep moving I rather just end it now while things are somewhat still a mystrery and wonderful. I believe that I am made of stars. The galaxy , the sun and all those things Die as well. Why is it not okay for me to just want to die when I choose? I dont care if people are hurt by me being gone, they are selfish to think that I need to stay here for them. I dunno I write about this daily in my journal try to feel like if I write this all down it might go away, take meds that doctors say I have a in balance in my brain. I just think This was something I was born with , suicidal thoughts, the urge to end life quickly rather then wait and see. I want to have a day that is perfect , where I am competely happy and loving the land scape and then take out a gun and shoot myself. I am not afraid I dont think anyone can change my thoughts , not even me and if I think this daily why not just go ahead and follow through and kill myself.
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I understand your point. And i’m not sure what too say. I’ve never thought of this. I wish I could get inside your head to know your feelings. I’ m not sure what can help you if your just wired to think that way. Just live your life to the fullest if you decide to stay. Choose the choice you feel is right. I believe its too live another day.
Hi Girlwithalastname,
As far back as I can remember I wanted to be anyone but me, even as a child I would pray the car would crash or the bus flip over. I currently have the daily death wish morning and night. You may be right just being born that way and forgive me for this but it is actually nice to know I’m not alone in this as when you look around no one would ever show it if they were, I know I don’t.
Needless to say killing yourself is very easy but emotionally traumatic, I hear positive thinking i.e. making yourself determined to do stuff and making a point of encouraging yourself, like well done, your amazing ect really helps but you need to make a decision to try, worked for me in the past. My current mentality is self inflicted BTW poor choices followed by denial. Make sure you are not misplacing emotions of a past event/s that has effected your emotional make up because when your depressed you only remember the related issues in your life hence the above techniques positives reinforce positives, so my memories of childhood are because I am currently thinking with negative emotion. Remember fuck the world you’re important, ha I feel better already 🙂
You sound articulate, collected and of strong will, I wonder what you could achieve if you put that to what you want to do and not what you think will best fit with others. Food for thought.
I wish you the best in what ever your future holds little one.
Sincerely yours
Thanks for the comments, must admit it does feel nice to learn I am not alone in the struggle go over come thoughts of suicide. I wrote on here as a means of last step before the deed but in doing so I have been no where near ready to take my life. It could be the simple fact I have now been truthfully honest and put that truth out there in the masses of the interent for all to read. I know that this one post will not keep me safe from my suicidal thoughts for long but it did spark something in me. The small speck of hope lives on. I am hoping I can take the effort to tell and out reach to more people in my future to help put a cap on this eruption of mental torment. This was helpful and inspiring I thank you again and ethink it might be healthy to channel my thoughts into things I enjoy and love . Thanks again – Kayla