Empty

And bittersweet.

I wish I was 15 again. I wish I could replay my entire life over and maybe then I wouldn’t so depressed. So bogged down with all these “Should have”s.

I want to run away. I want to run from all of this that I’ve failed. Run away from the college I flunked out of. The boyfriend I can’t seem to shake, that loves me, but reminds me of a life I want so hard to forget. To erase.

I want to feel the SWEET in BITTERSWEET like  I did when I was 15, and not just pain. I want to feel you and taste you like I did before when I thought you could save me if you tried. I want to believe that there is a sliver if hope, and not just nothingness and I’m so damned afraid because now, you’re so far gone.

I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do. Tell me what to do with my life now that I’ve wasted it all. When everyone back home expects me to be perfect, since I’m the only one that went to college. And no, they won’t understand if I talk to them because they all have their separate lives and my mom is a ***** and I have no where to stay. I have no money. No friends. No thought about what to do with my life because all I ever wanted was this and now it’s gone so now what – tell me.

Realistically what do I do now? Now that my biggest dream and biggest goal, I’ve failed. FAILED. And I get to live everyday with that reminder. I understand now why there is so much rampant opiate and alcohol addiction

and NO therapy and drugs won’t help because it doesn’t change the fact that I FAILED. and that I won’t be accepted anymore once everyone finds out. it won’t change the fact that I’m ALONE and so, so full of hurt.