Feb. 8th I tried to kill myself. I have never attempted anything like this before, but God knows I have been thinking about it for way too long. I was down stairs doing some practice cuts on my wrist, just to see how hard I needed to press and figure the whole mess out. The first cut was quite demeaning. I think one drop fell out, so I tried again in a new spot, harder this time. This time I got a good amount to come out. As I was getting ready to go even deeper and harder I dropped the razor blade and it broke, (I had a box cutter). I took this as a sign and decided that I would go to bed for the night.
The next morning I woke up just like any other day; only this time with an added boost of energy. I started doing some research on suicide and came to an article on self harm/ mutilation. I more than fit the criteria for this. Last night, after a very minor dispute with my wife, she ended up leaving for work. After she left I thought about how invigorating it felt when I cut myself, even thought the thoughts were not to cut but to kill. I switched the blade on my knife and took a couple shallow cuts. Low an behold , I awoke again this morning feeling refreshed and energized. I am kind of scared that I have become “that person”.
I ended up telling my wife about the accident and went to the hospital. I got recommended for a partial hospitalization program. I start my first session in about 5 hours, when I wake up. I don’t want to tell her about how I cut myself again, but I know she is going to find out anyways. On top of this, I am having some serious anxiety, about this hospitalization, and just thoughts about her leaving or everything in general. I know that had I not dropped my knife that night I would not be here now, but I am, and the consequences seem like it is too much of a burden to handle.
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Look at it this way: you can always mutilate or kill yourself. Really. But now is an opportunity to maybe find a new way to be in this marriage and in life. Now she knows. Things are out in the open. It’s a chance. Not necessarily the last chance, but a good chance for a new beginning.
There is a certain thought process that I know should not be the way it is. She says that she will support me through this. We took vows for sickness and in health, but part of me knows that the mistakes I have made in the past, due to this and my depression, are going to effect us one way or the other. I am honestly scared that even though she does support me that she can’t last much longer and that things can never be the way they used to.
My first session was a little overwhelming. I can honestly say that I have never expressed myself emotionally, period. I talked open and honest. I know it was the first day, but I felt weird talking to others about my problems, almost like a burden. It felt like a forced communication almost. I will keep going because I have children that need a correct father figure in their life. I realize that it is selfish to do this to them.
There are some deep underlying causes for my depression that I won’t get into, but it is a struggle. I want to do what is right, I honestly do, but damn it is so much work. I tried to take the easy way out. Hopefully this is a sign of progress, much, much needed progress. It will take time and I will be as open and willing as possible.