Sick of being judged for someone im not.

Im new here so im just going to start with family, as they say family comes first.

The 11th of november 1995 was the day I was brought into this world. Being 2 hours born and taken away from my parents by a case worker. They say it was for the best, she was a drug addict aswell as an alcoholic and she couldnt look after herself or even support herself so how could she look after me? So I was taken away and put into a foster home not even a day old and straight into a complete strangers house. I obviously didnt know what was going on as I was a baby.

I got to the toddler stage, I was starting to take notice of what was going on around me in this house convinced these strangers are going to be replacement parents until im 18 years old and out of care. My foster parents names were Leigh-Ann and Colin. Colin would come home from work every week day, put his work bags down, tell me to go get him a beer, i’d open it and sit it next to his chair on the coffee table. As he drank the first few beers getting a bit intoxicated he would tell me to bend over in-front of him, he would reach for his steel-cap boots and whack me straight on the behind for no appart reason and would then pull my pants down and slap my behind bare hand as hard as he could and then id walk straight to my room trying not to make a sound until I shut the door and was under my blankets in bed. Crying & rubbing the welts on my behind id go to bed without dinner until around 2.am after he finished bashing and raping my foster mother. She would quietly come into my room and wake me up with a plate of food while Colin was passed out. Sitting there as I finished every spot of food she would kiss me on my forehead, tuck me into bed and say goodnight. This repeated every night until I was 10 years old when Leigh-ann finally stood her ground and divorced the animal.

10 years old and in a new primary school, entering year 5. In primary school I had very short hair and wore glasses and nothing ever stopped me from finishing all my school work and projects on time. I got teased because I was 20 kilos bigger than the other pretty girl and didnt have long lucious hair like they did. The boys would constantly tease me and tease me until I worked myself up that much I went to the bathrooms and would vomit. Id sit by myself in class, eat by myself during lunch breaks and would catch the bus home sitting right at the front where I couldnt be noticed.  It all went on for those last 2 years of primary school, until I got to year 7; high school. My high school years werent that bad, except the fact id still get called fat or some days people will make smartass comments about me. It would tear me up inside, its not my fault im wider and curvier then other girls, I have high cholesterol and it has been way over the normal limit all my life, diets never worked and I did dancing since I was 4, but that wasnt a good enough excuse for anyone, no one ever cared that it effected me that much that I would sit in my room and slit my wrist over being called fat.

I would be allowed to visit my father and siblings once during school holidays and I chose personally not to see my mother until I was ready.

I was a good student until a few weeks into year 8. A girl I did dancing with and grew up with through school had died from jumping off a bridge and hit rock bottom, she had drown and was found a few hours later, her body had drifted out to sea. This was my first serious loss and it had hit me pretty hard. I would cry constantly, wouldnt attend every weekday at school and started smoking both cigarettes and marijuana and started hanging with a bad group who I would skip school with to get high or drunk off cheap wine. I had started hanging with these people more often and started having sex at the age of 14 and started going to parties with them. I thought if I had sex like some of these girls I was hanging with everyday that a boy would fall inlove with me, but no boy did. They would lie and say they would be my boyfriend or tell me that we could be bestfriends. But no, I had sex with numberous amounts of boys thinking in my head it would get me a boyfriend, one who would stay with me forever. Thinking this as I kept ‘putting out’ it led me to getting raped, by two older boys who said they were my bestfriends. I didnt know what to do with life when this happened, suicide was on my mind. I was very intoxicated, very sore and bleeding. I walked home after this happened and went straight to the bathroom, reached for the razor blade and started cutting and cutting. By the time my foster mum finally found a way of getting through the locked door the tiled bathroom floor was covered in my own blood. I sat there crying and telling Leigh-ann what had happened as she tried to stop the blood and I started to feel light headed and soon enough passed out. I woke up the next day in Leigh-anns bed with her sitting next to me. I sat up and cried and cried and told her I was sorry. We spoke about it and I chose not to call the police on these boys. I was to attend councilling twice a week and had to see a specialist about self harm.

Ever since this incident happened I attended school but didnt attend enough, I still hung out with the bad people, I still smoke and I still have severe depression. Suicide is on my nearly every night when I lay in bed, my mind just likes to remind me of all the bad experiences I swear.

At the end of year 10, october 12th 2011 I got a phonecall from my father. My only brother I have had hung himself and died. My brother and I had spoke the day before and he seemed fine to me. I get the feeling that if I was there for him more he wouldnt have done what he did. I blame myself, because I wasnt there talking or seeing him all the time. Its the 15th of march 2013 and im still down and depressed about it, that depressed and cut up like when I heard them words over the phone from my father saying “Toby has hung himself, and I turned off his life support because it was the only thing that was keeping him alive”. People think im just attention seeking when I write statuses on facebook stating im not okay and that a friend to talk to would be great, but no thats too much to ask for. I dont have more then a handful of friends anymore because I got kicked out of school last year for not attending. Even since I got kicked out of school its as if I shouldnt be here anymore. I wake up at 1.30pm every day and go to bed at 5am. I have no job and finding one that would take a high school dropkick is harder than anyone thinks. I just wish I could claim to be happy for once, instead of lying to people saying im okay or hiding it all behind a fake smile. I wish some people had the decency to understand or ask why or what happened so we feel somehow wanted in life.