I kinda made this profile because I wanted to tell someone my life story… And I don’t have anyone close to me that I want to share it with. So I am writing it here, anonymously.
But let’s take it from the beginning:
I’m a boy from Denmark, 19 years old at the moment, but that is not where my story starts. My story starts all the way back when I was a child. You see, I have always been bullied, first by the bigger kids in my kindergarten, then by the kids in my class in school. Therefore my parents quickly decided to teach me self defense. And it would have been the end of it, if the other kids didn’t outnumber me 10-to-1.
But as time went on, I suddenly didn’t care anymore. My parents tell me, now, when I talk to them that I became more and more vicious towards those weaker than me. But I didn’t feel anything. No hate, no love, no happiness, no sorrow, nothing at all. Only thing I respected was strength, the ability to lord over those weaker than yourself. And I slowly earned the fear of my classmates, when I one-by-one challenged them to fights and won. But as I stated earlier, this doesn’t help you against that many. So my parents decided to move away and find a new school. And all seemed good, for the first month, then the bullying started again.
Now by this time I was about 10-11 years old and of course I thought it was my own fault. So what did I do? I tried to commit suicide by jumping off the roof of the school. I ended up with a broken arm. I decided instead that I was going to seek proffessional help, as the school therapeut had just met with our class. And so I went to him and continued to have 3 weekly appointments with him for the next 3 years.
Now in denmark (I don’t know about the rest of the world, so going to explain.), we have a thing called Confirmation. (Kinda like the jewish Bar Mitzvah, but for protestants) We would all go to our respective churces for 1½ hour each week for lessons + we had to go to church on sunday atleast 10 times. I finally found my place, the place where I felt alive. It was later taken from me, but we’ll get to that. The priest was a man about the age of 50, but he had the energy to match the rest of us, a bunch of horny 13 year olds. He had enough Charisma to convince me to go to church, even after I had finished my Confirmation. But it still wasn’t enough to keep me from trying suicide again.
Too weeks prior to my 14th birthday, I tied a rope to the edge of my house and tied it around my neck. I was going to hang my self. But a well-timed phonecall from him, where I think he knew what was happening despite me trying to deceive him, convinced me that I had too much to live for. And I was happy for a while, or so I thought. According to my former friends and classmates, I became the most ruthless, cruel and evil person they had ever encountered. Using my former respect for strength and nothing else, I “found” a group of friends. In truth they were terrified of me, thinking I might have beaten them if they ignored or stood up against me. And I did, when one of them tried to tell me that I wasn’t invited into their group I assaulted him with a stick. And then I realised what I had become. I had become the very embodiment of what had been done to me. Of course this had the effect of convincing my bullies to leave me alone.
At the time, the only joy I found was with my girlfriend who I loved more than anything. Now she was 2 years older than me and, like me, still a virgin at the time. So when the time came for us to have sex for the first time, I enjoyed every minute of it. It wasn’t until three months later that I found out that she, from that day, had had sex with another guy, often. And so I broke up with her and was heartbroken, but determined(!). Determined not to let myself go down the pit of despair that I had lived in for so long.
But things don’t always go as we plan and I soon fell back into my old role as the tyrrant. Now despite this, I felt no hate for anybody. I felt no love for anybody. I felt nothing again. Nothing at all. Only thing I could feel was physical pain. And so I began getting into more and more fights.
This stage continued until I had turned 16. There I decided, once and for all, to end my suffering. And so I grabbed a kitchen knife, one day I was alone, and tried to slice my own throat. But for some reason I couldn’t get myself to do it. For some reason I kept thinking back to that priest. I still had his number, even though I had stopped going to church at the age of 15. So I called him up and told him everything. And what happened then, I cannot even begin to describe. It was like a burden had been lifted from my soul. He convinced me to go back to church, where I met my next girlfriend, whom I dated for a year and a half, untill she became too much and I left her. Since then I have not been able to get back to that church because of her.
But the thing is, I was okay with that, for I had my friends at the time. 3 months later I found anonther girlfriend, the polar opposite of my last one. And we dated for a year until I found out that she was cheating on me. Now the thing is, I haven’t gone back to my old self after we broke up, but I have neither had ANY emotions at all. I don’t laugh, I don’t cry. And I kinda like it this way.
But that is the story of my life so far and I hope that I will someday meet the woman who can give me back my happiness, but so far all I find is nothingness.
Now if you can relate to my story know this: I don’t care. I’m not here looking for someone to tell me what I should have done or what I could have done. I am here because I needed to get something off my chest. Which I have now. So farewell.