Last night I went to a folk-punk show and the last person I made friends with (mentioned in the earlier post I made… not someone who will ever speak to me again. He was nice to me and I was a pretty shitty friend cuz my personality got all fucked up for two years) was there, along with two of his friends. I felt really really shitty and guilty and he and one of his friends kept looking over at me and probably discussed me (negatively, going by ex-friend’s body language). After we were all waiting for the same train and there was more glancing and I heard “yeah, he seemed like an idiot.” And okay — I can’t know if that was about me. But let’s be real, there’s a good chance it was. I ended up preparing to jump in front of the train before I remembered how inconsiderate it would be (to anyone on the platform, as I’d think these people would be happy to see me go). I do think I deserve to die. I broke down crying for real (without any holding back) this morning for the first time in over a year. Normally I want to die simply because “what’s the point?” but I think it’s morally wrong to allow myself to want anything so I don’t try to do anything about it. Aside from hurting myself.
Ex-friend is releasing his documentary that I was the camera guy for until last year and that makes me hate myself so much too.
Once I said my mother’s lack of love for me was the ultimate proof of my worthlessness, but if that was ever the case, it’s been surpassed. The ultimate proof of my worthlessness is the whole situation I’m in now. And I guess I’m not as okay with being completely worthless as I thought I was. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I was supposed to start college this fall, 3 years late, but I know I’m not up to it and I know I wouldn’t have any hope there. I know I’m not good enough to have friends and I feel guilty just talking to people. I might try anyway, even though it’ll just waste money and I’ll fail out.
The only good thing is that one of my favorite musicians had a 5 or 10 minute conversation with me, but I feel guilty about even that cuz I got so caught up in the first real conversation I’ve had in 3 months that I forgot to ask him how he was doing.
I hope nobody I know sees this, maybe I’ll delete it…
5 comments
You have this complete lack of self-worth because of something you did before. The thing is – you actually feel guilty for it which is good. You have become a decent human being because you now have a conscience and are feeling all that you’ve done wrong.
I think you should go to college. Meet some people and make something of yourself. Something that will benefit others as well as yourself.
You’re going to have to let go of what you did to your friend – apologise for all the shit you gave him and then move on.
All the best. 🙂
I mean, I’ve always felt worthless, people in my life have never really treated me like I wasn’t and I expect that to remain the case. I already apologized too, and would feel even worse if I hadn’t. I’m just not cut out for this kind of thing. I think my psychologist is getting overwhelmed by it… thanks though
What did your psychologist suggest you do?
And you’re not worthless – there are so many people who are – but you are not one of them.
I hope things get better for you . 🙂
She mostly just suggested that I not let myself stagnate in my room, and instead get out of the house. Which does help, and little by little I’ve become a bit more functional. I don’t have anything to live for though, so I can’t get up before 10am usually. And I have a lot of guilt.
Now that I think about it, I suspect that my presence at that show upset him, and I feel bad about that too.
I just wish I could redeem myself.
When I have school break I don’t get up before 5pm.
In that sense you have nothing to worry about – at least you’re progressing.
I agree with her – don’t just sit and stew in your room. Why don’t you try community work, or charity work – to help some other people in exchange for hurting someone else?
Maybe compensate him by gifting him tickets to another show he might like to go to.
You could try a lot of things to “redeem” yourself – I still don’t think you have reason to.
You regret what you did, which in my eyes is enough. 🙂