I dont even know why Im writing this. Im pretty sure it wont help but I have to try something… I am suicidal but you know the worst part.. I dont even have the balls to commit suicide.. I guess I should explain myself but i really dont know how to structure this.. So im just going to ramble.
I’m 23 years old and I’m from India. Right from my childhood I’ve had a sense of fear in me that never leaves me. Guess its all cause of my father. He used to beat my mother and sister and I used to cower in fear, just hating him and hoping for vengeance one day. That day did come and I almost killed him, hoping to end my life right after. But in the end I just gave him a few stiches and fractures and now atleast he doesnt resort to violence cause hes afraid of me. The problem with Indian culture is even after all this somehow everyone stills lives under the same roof, afraid of what society would think. Especially for women if they get divorced, she is shunned and looked at with disgust. Anyways I thought atleast after making sure there would be no more domestic violence I would feel better and free but I dont.There are still moments of mental turmoil in our house but they dont bother me the way they used to.
I had questioned the meaning of life right from when i was 12 years old. I never found meaning in life then nor do I now. I dont believe in God, nor afterlife or anything. I thought of so many times to just jump from a building or hang myself, but I could never bring myself to do it. I wish it was as easy to get a gun in India as it is in US, that would have been so much easier, but then again im so cowardly im sure i couldnt even get myself to do that. As years rolled by I feel more and more worthless and weak. I find no meaning in anything, no point of anything. I cant get myself out of bed.. I just feel so tired and jaded. I feel like im 80 years old. I just want to never wake up from my dreams. I tried to do things to make me feel better like football, novels etc etc. And while for sometime they do work I always end up in this hollow, empty shell and curse myself for being so worthless. I wish I was never born, I wish I was someone else. Life is not too short its too long.. I keep looking at news on 20 ppl killed, died etc etc and I keep wishing I was one of them. Why is it that people who dont want to live, dont die in these accidents? Whenever I travel on a plane or any transport I hope for a freak accident that will get me killed.. I feel horrible that I wish that for all the people on the plane and curse myself even more for being so worthless that I cant even kill myself.
I did go to a psychotherapist but it did not help. The medication did not help nor did the counseling. I just dont want to hurt anymore. There are so many things that I can still write but I dont want to piss u off. It doesnt matter. I know im not getting any reply. I thought writing this owuld help but it doesnt.
I just hope someone can put me out of my misery and kill me.
9 comments
That “afraid of what society would think” is stopping me too. It would kill my mom if I did it. I want to do it in the least hurtful way possible and I thought OD was it, because that could be blamed on my dad (long story). But the OD didn’t work, and now I’m stuck.
Are they planning to arrange a wedding for you?
Life has no point, life is a desire! You got to have a desire to live, if you don’t have one then whats the point in living? I’am asking myself the same, whats the point in living if you don’t have a desire to live? I also don’t have the balls to kill myself, only way i can imagine is by shooting myself, but its very difficult to get a gun in this country. I also wish so badly that i was never born in this horrible world. I hope it gives you some comfort, that someone else knows how you feel.
Grasping at meaning is like grasping at air.
Searching for meaning is the surest method that will keep you from finding it.
Meaning isn’t something to find but a ‘some-thing’ you experience.
Meaning exists in the moment it is experienced and is personal, and personal subjective.
What you experience as meaningful may not be experience by someone else as meaningful.
What you experience in one moment as meaningful and even numinous (moment greater than yourself) may not be experienced in the same way in the next moment
The search for meaning, attempting to quantify and objectify it, will only lead to the absurd and depression.
so empty cant reply, and that is just honestly me now
We can’t pick and choose the families we are born into and you have had a lot of drama in yours from the sound of it. Depression is a very debilitating thing which makes getting out of bed hard to do. When I have been depressed in my life and feeling like my future is going to be like my past, filled with heartbreak and disappointment, then darkness overwhelms me. I have learned that my past is just that, my past. I am not going to let it shape my future. I start by being thankful for the things that are going right in my life because I don’t have to look far to see someone worse off than me. Just today as I was walking to the post office I saw a woman who was barely walking, with great difficulty, across a street and a car was stopped waiting for her to make it. It wasn’t too long ago when I was laying in a hospital bed and the doctors were talking to me about amputating my foot because of an infection. It didn’t happen and I recovered. I am thankful to be walking. Sometimes we just need to look outside ourselves and focus on something other than ourselves to bring us out of that darkness. Believe me, no matter how bad you have it, there is someone worse off than you. Life isn’t a sprint but a marathon and it takes endurance, courage and strength. You may not feel like you have those but you are still here. You have endured struggles that I will never know but you made it through. You are still here. Take it one day at a time and focus on making the day better than the last even if it is just in a small way. Future tripping is just as bad as looking at our past mistakes. We can’t change the past and don’t know what the future holds but on this day I can choose to not give in to the darkness.
@ noonoo12
No not yet… I dont want a wedding nor any children. I cant bear to have another being experience such pain… I dont want my kids to have my fears, my suffering and spend a life of agony.
@abrokensoul
You are essentially the one in power now. Your father is afraid of you, and lets face it, the girls in your home aren’t allowed to do anything. So what do you want to do? What specifically do you want out of life?
Whatever it is – go get it. They’re not going to stop you if they’re afraid of you. If you want to leave, explain it to your mother and sister. Or even your father if you have the balls. And go out and do something that will fulfill your desires.
Why would your children have your suffering or fears if you’d be the one raising them?
@noonoo12
Thats the point.. I have no ambition. I feel worthless. I’ve had suicidal thoughts since I was 12… These 9 years have felt like eternity to me and I just cant imagine living another 20-30 whatever years. I’m just so drained and tired…
@abrokensoul
That’s because there hasn’t been a positive change in the past 12 years. Apart from the physical abuse being stopped. But even then, nothing changed. You’re all still afraid of what society would think, so you don’t do anything that could make you happy for fear of being judged.
Don’t think that far ahead. Live for now. What would you like to have accomplished within the next year?
Do you plan to move out or find a job or something?
Make a change. You will feel different. In a good way.
If you can’t think of ambitions now, think of the ones you had as a child and see about achieving those.