Tired of fighting

I don’t event know what to say anymore. I can’t post on my Facebook or twitter how I’m feeling and I definitely can’t talk to any of my friends or family members about my brilliant idea to end it all. Ironically, one of my jobs is suicide prevention- and here I am the preventer and I’m so far gone. I fight with myself constantly to STAY alive, because I have children, and I will miss them and I know at least three of the four I have will miss me- but today I just give up. The first thing people ask is do you have a plan- well yes, I have lots of plans to end my life- but it has to be the right time. And it has to stick- I don’t want to wake up a brain dead marshmallow or suffering of liver failure or some radically screwed up joke for an existence. I want to be literally gone forever. My children will receive my insurance and will be provided for and all of the agony I feel everyday will no longer exist. I’m only posting because I need to explain this to someone who will understand why everyday the battle I face has decidedly ended me emotionally. I’m tired. Thank you for listening and reading- I will
Post everyday until my story is out- and even though you may not understand and I don’t expect that you do, I just appreciate a place to actually say what I have to say without the limitations of someone trying to fix me.