Everywhere I go, every place I look, I see people. I see love; I see happiness. I see what could be best described as a form of ignorant euphoria. Guys strut through the malls with their girlfriends, people just sort of hang out around places. Fuck. I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll ever know. What I do know is that I am feeling a sort of pain that cannot be rectified, minimised, or mitigated, due to its constant presence.
I will never experience love beyond that of my few friends, or that of my parents.
To be perfectly honest, I’m tired of my parents, particularly my father. We’ve had countless arguments over these past few years, and he’s desperately clinging to an image of my younger self. My mother is tolerable, though, and one of two refuges I have from my father. At any rate, I digress. Since I suffer from an autism-like affliction (I’m sharing no more than that) I’m the most fucking awkward prick around fucking anywhere. I get fucking bullshit every fucking day about my tastes in music and other entertainment, and I know I’ll never have a girlfriend or anything fucking close because I shot away all my goddamn chances away a long time ago. And it doesn’t fucking help to watch all of the fucking jocks and ‘gangstas’ walking around with their girlfriends. Oh, yes. I also hate jocks. Long live Harris and Klebold. I dream of bringing an end to this mortal coil nearly every day, but my cowardice, my fear of pain, my foolishness… They stop me. If anyone actually is here, hang on. I might not.
11 comments
“Everywhere I go, every place I look, I see people. I see love; I see happiness. I see what could be best described as a form of ignorant euphoria…”
I feel the same! Actually in the past it used to make me feel sad or angry. Now I kinda got used to it, but deep inside I know its not right to feel that way…
Anyway, good luck.
The tastes in music, it is what makes you, you.
You’re awkward around people, that is understandable. But some people really care and really do love.
email me if you want: brl.cents@gmail.com
I know your pain. Sometimes I don’t understand how all these people can be so happy and carefree, while I am so miserable and alone. I too am awkward and feel like I never fit in. But, you know, it’s good to be unique. I’ve always believed that. Even though you may be criticized for your tastes, know that it’s better than liking the same things as everyone else. Individualism is always something to strive for, in my opinion. Would you like to chat? I’m open to any type of conversation. My email is solarstarz@outlook.com, if you’re interested.
of guys I chose this guy cause hes the least intimidating,but I understand yiu and know Yow yiu feel,im 22 and from Cali you seem cool lol yea my dads the same way,He would always drop gay
lines beforr so I finally introduced a guy to him so he could feel closer to me and he had the nerve to call him a ‘retard’ mind you I talk to a lot you could messege me if you want hellahumble@yahoo.com
The whole post about got disorganized so just.piece it togethor lol im on a phone hahah
Hello Persephone,
Thanks for taking the time to talk to me a bit about the above. I admire your concept that individualism is something to strive for, and I’m glad that there are people around here to whom I can relate, like you. I can certainly relate to ‘miserable’ and ‘alone’, but I feel I’m alone even when I’m with people, or even among my dearest friends. It’s strange, but it makes an odd kind of sense to me. Anyway, here’s to you, and hang on.
Hey Now22andahalf,
Thanks for your comment here. Sorry if I was a bit scary, sorrow tends to be mutually inclusive with anger in my case. It sounds like you’ve got things substantially worse than I have, seeing as my dad never directly called me or anyone else any names or anything. I made a certain personal decision in my life that he decided he was never going to let happen, and it sort of started there. A few other fights over various issues occurred, and things have never been the same. So yes, I feel some of what you’ve been through. Anyway, hold the line the best you can, and try not to let your dad get you too down.
P.S. -you’re talking to a Cali guy here.
Thanks, blindaudio, but sometimes it’s really hard to try and recognise that anyone cares. Half the time I think most people I know would be better off without me. Anyway, hang in there, and thanks again for your support
Hi Tristeza,
I’m glad you were able to identify with my feelings on people as expressed above. I admire your ability to get over that-you’re obviously doing a much better job than I am. Maybe there’s hope, maybe there’s not. Anyway, hold on if you can. I might give it a try myself. Thanks for the well-wishes.
@AndInTheEnd Yes, I’m definitely trying to hold on. Give it a try to! And once more I wish you luck (:
yeah I see happy people everywhere. I’ve never been one of them. In a way I am glad because I know animals are suffering horribly….they are my best mates….if they suffer I will suffer too. ya know? I can’t bear the thought of being happy whilst they are in agony. I am better off this way. People who are happy all the time get arrogant and turn into jerks I hate that. I am depressed all the time so my focus is on minimizing the suffering on this god forsaken planet.