a girl comes sit next to me, because there is barely any other spot free on the whole train. We don’t talk because that’s what people usually do when they sit next to each other (at least here in Germany). It happens that people who don’t know each other start a nice conversation, but rarely.
Then it happens: Someone nearby gets up to leave the train at the next stop, and – wtf – she gets up and sits down where the other guy sat before. I mean, it is not like she doesn’t have to sit next to no one there, just some other stranger. What is this? I showered, I put on axe, my clothes are clean, and I definitely don’t look like I would sexually abuse her any minute. I don’t take one and a half seats like others do, I didn’t even look at her once. I mean, wtf?! This has happened to me the third time now. Do I have some bad aura? Or does everyone in Germany know I am some kind of weirdo? It’s not like I expect her to fall in love with me, or even talk to me, or even realize I am sitting next to her. But acting like it is such a horrible experience to sit next to me that she feels it is better to sit next to some other stranger.. just awkward.
The weird thing is that this only happens with girls; guys or older people don’t give a fuck, they even start to talk to me sometimes. This world is so strange.
19 comments
Have you considered anything that might put people off? Body language? Posture? Clothing? Are you frowning or smiling? If you project the idea that you’re an approachable guy, people will sense that. A majority of it is confidence. Perhaps it’s not even you, girls can be reticent and reserved, it could very well just be a coincidence that some avoid you. They may not even be avoiding you, perhaps they were physically uncomfortable in that seat and preferred a new one, maybe it was closer to the door they were going to exit with. Don’t blame every little thing on you, it’s not your fault. Are you sure that *every* girl does this to you? Many times people only look at the negative and filter out the neutral/positive or don’t even remember it. You could be magnifying the problem, I really don’t think it’s you, chin up, man 🙂
I don’r smile or look at her, I just took a phonecall and looked out the window the whole time. As far as I can tell my clothes are pretty normal, not even nerdy (what you would probably expect on me), just what everyone else would wear on a cold day of winter.
I am not confident or feel overly comfortable when a girl sits next to me, that’s just the way it is. But I try not to show it, by just doing nothing as much as possible. Of course not all girls do that. Maybe some just don’t notice or some notice that I feel uncomfortable but don’t care. But if they do it is like you see how they dislike everything about you, whether it is prejudices or they know similar guys like me. IF i actually act strangely I have no idea what it is, and I can’t just ask them: “Why do you hate me?” while they walk away from me.
Of course what you are saying might be write, but how will I ever know? Everytime this happens it just makes me more unconfident.
You are definitely over thinking things….you took a shower…you say you look clean….so who cares? Like SB said maybe the seat change was more convenient to her departure from the train….
My question is: why does it matter if they dislike you or not?
it happens with me too. i’m often chosen as the last person to sit with in bus, ofcourse out of no other option available. yep, aura or vibe or something. but in my case there is no gender or age bias.
here i’m recalling a dialogue from ‘Waking Life’: “we communicate on so many different levels simultaneously”.
Don’t worry about it. It’s just a stranger on a train. Sometimes people move because they want a different vantage point to look out the window, or something.
Instead of being concerned about strangers, focus your energy on finding a girlfriend, and then you’ll have somebody who wants to sit with you and hold your hand on train rides. 😉
Not something to be concerned over. You are overworrying.
Next time a girl sits next to you, maybe try a chat. Whats the worst thing thats going to happen? She going to ignore you? Heck, I wouldnt care. I wouldnt care if she looked at me, talked to me, its not going to make or break my day. It is about confidence.
Get some confidence. You are a man, arent you? Act like one!!!!
Get a real woman in your life, even if you have to sort through a lot of trash to get one, the jewels are out there. Never assume someone is bad. Make an opinion once you know her, even pretty women will give a guy a “shit test” to see how they respond.
On a train? Hell, its a ride. Concentrate on the rest of your day.
I’ve noticed similar things before.
My guesses are:
Maybe she wanted/expected/hoped you would initiate conversation, but when you didn’t, the awkwardness was too much for her to bear, so she removed herself from the situation at the first conveniently excusable chance?
Maybe she felt the pull of the Axe, and wanted to distance herself from temptation.
Maybe she WAS somewhat attracted to you, but like SB said: some girls are just as insecure, “reticent and reserved,” as some guys.
Maybe lots of things that had nothing to do with “you,” and was really just whatever going on inside her head.
But i will pose one question:
Why should she want to sit next to you, instead of someone else? Do you have anything to offer her? Can she gain any advantage, even if slight, by remaining seated next to you, but without any discourse? Was there anything you actually wanted from her, that would require her to sit next to you, but without either of you speaking? And without speaking, how would she know this, and how could she make a decision based on information she doesn’t receive?
Honestly, i don’t think you should worry about it. Maybe try to start talking to these random females. Just say anything. If you screw it up, or if they don’t reciprocate, it’s okay, because she’s a stranger anyway. It’s even possible that you might have been glad she moved, if you’d known her personally. Maybe she was just a *****? Who knows!
I know i said “one question,” but it ended up being several. Oops. I’m not demanding you answer here, just think about the questions. Maybe it’ll help somehow.
Yeah, I could probably not give a damn if they care about me. But I just can’t ignore it. You’re right that it should probably not influence me at all, but it does for some reason. I get embarassed so easily, because I’ve had so many embarassing moments in my life. It’s really irrational, I know. But I get nervous so easily, especially if you know people are watching me.
And it’s not only this single situation. Last time I asked a girl whether the spot next to her was reserved for someone, she said I couldn’t sit there. But until she left the train actually no one took that place. Wierd, hm?
I could talk about a dozen of those situations. People reject you because they think you are weird, and you get weirder everytime someone rejects you.
Plenty of fish out there.
Find a good one.
If not on a train, look elsewhere.
Heck, dont even look.
Act yourself.
Women are going to pick up on a fake guy.
Build a relationship with a solid foundation.
Dont lie, cheat, manipulate.
Thank you, I will try to talk next time I sit next to a girl. It will probably be a failure and I will be embarassed to the max but who cares.
And you tell me to get a girlfriend? What do you think I have been trying the last years? Concerning this I am the biggest failure I can think of, seriously. I barely have contact to anyone, not even guys.
And @clevername, I thank you for your optimism, but I haven’t once met someone who was seriuosly interested in me. Why would this random stranger be any different?
Of course you are right that the other place isn’t any different from the first one. But why would she then move anyways? What do you mean by something she could gain from me without talking?
I know I should not be “searching” in order to find a girlfriend. But how would I do that if I actually desire a girlfriend? And why should I be a “fake guy” only because I am nervous and looking for a girlfriend?
I don’t think it’s irrational to suspect something is amiss, if you frequently notice people treating you differently than they seem to treat others.
But sometimes, people think others are weird/scare/whatever, for very irrational and presumptuous reasons. So it might be making you uncomfortable, but it also might be based entirely on their perception and bizarre methods of forming expectations and determining how to behave toward others in the world.
I currently have long hair and a pretty wildly overgrown beard. When in public, i watch how people react to such an uncommon sight, and i usually end up laughing at them, quietly, to myself. I think it’s humorous the way people seem frightened by something as innocuous and natural as Hair, and it’s because they associate that with all kinds of other things, but without having any real or justifiable basis for doing so. It just happens, because that’s how people are taught to think, or how they learn to “understand” what they encounter in the world. Personally, i try not to “care” about anyone’s opinion, unless i know them well enough to value their opinion, or unless they initiate actions which are detrimental to my being, due to their opinion.
I guess what i was getting at, is that it’s still entirely possible that “it’s not you, it’s them.” And there are quite a lot of “them” out there.
What i meant, before, about “something to gain without talking,” is about whether there is any discernible “benefit” to that person remaining seated beside you, aside from not making you feel weird. If there’s no benefit to that person remaining seated there, then it might not have anything to do with that person thinking you’re “weird” or whatever. Or, it might be that she thought you were weird, but based entirely on superficial presumption, and not anything actual. People do that. A lot. Doesn’t mean anything is actually wrong with you.
No, i never said you were a fake guy, i just said don’t make yourself into something you arent to impress a girl.
Girls dont like needy guys either. If they see you as needy, they run. The key to not being “needy” is being happy with yourself.
You see, I have a hobby on the side I do…. and I’ll mention it here as an anology….
I dive for lost gold/treasure in the sea. (like wanting a woman in your life).
I go out, search, find gold, silver, and everything down to junk. (represents all women int his world).
Some days I find a lot of trash (some days you will meet women you wouldnt touch or want). That represents most women actually.
In the middle of the junk is something that has some value (maybe coins). Consider a nicer woman who is respectable to be in that category.
Then I find silver, worth more than coins, but less than gold. (represents an above average woman, but still not really “the best”).
Then even rarer is the gold…. represents a woman you would love, who loves you, but you still both have reservations/differences you arent able to work out).
Then….. there are the rarest of finds….. someone who is extra special, a lady who is truly above the rest in quality, often they don’t even know it. They are sincere, your possible soul mate, at the least someone who you can have a long relationship with, serious, married even).
You get the point……… its an analogy…..
The “sea of women”: is full of trash, but there are also the rare treasures, and you know when you see it.
🙂
I hope that helps
I used to have a friend who was an expert in reading women. He’d point out all the signals they were subconciously giving out. He could tell which ones were single, lesbian, had low self esteem etc. We’d have bets on it and he was mostly right too. Acquire this skill and you’ll find the answer.
@Timepiece: Lol, how would I do that? It’s not like I can walk into the skill shop and buy “Understand Women” for 10 gold pieces. I barely have any experience and I doubt I will get any. Understanding women can only be done if you get to know a LOT of them, that is not really what I intend to do.
But if you think about it, I barely get to know anyone and the possibility of that “one” girl to be one of those I get to know …
I haven’t given up yet though.
@clevername: it just bothers me that she doesnt care about her obviously embarassing me when she walks away. Only because I am weird doesnt mean she should treat me like that.
I agree with what someone was writing, sometimes smell causes girls to get all nervous, and if she did in fact find you attractive that wasn’t going to help with anything. Maybe she thought you’d hear her heartbeat, or smell her stress, or think she was a loser for sitting by you when another seat had opened up.
@D.B.: There have never been any indications for me that any girl could have actually ever experienced something like what you wrote when I was close to her. Of course there is always a first time, but the possibility is so small…
Do you actually believe what you wrote to be true? Or do you say this to make me feel more confident about myself?