I can’t help but hurt people and isolate myself from them. There aren’t enough people who understand what I’m going through in my life. Just one really and she’s alienated from me too. I’m alienated from just about everyone emotionally at this point. I had a really positive and engaging relationship with someone but when my depression came out, she couldn’t understand and moved on. I tore into her because of it and that makes me feel guilty. And it hurt so fucking bad when it was done.
I know there’s a lot of people who have it worse than I do. Today I was at a trial supporting a friend, well acquaintance is more like it, who was severely wrong by someone she thought she could trust. Her entire family is in emotional turmoil. They are worse off than me. And that makes me feel incredibly guilty because of it. Doesn’t help my MDD to know that I’m an emotional piece of shit who can’t handle his pathetic feelings.
Someone posted something on this site, disparaging people who use it. The brutally honest post. Well, in it he or she said that people say they’ve “tried everything” and are just saying it. I’m not looking for attention or pity. I haven’t tried anything and I don’t want to. I just really want to die. That’s all. It would make me happy to not exist. Sometime soon I’ll do it. Tell you what though, day before I do it, I’ll post a copy of my suicide note here. I’m not quite done writing it. I just don’t want people to question why I died. They should know so they don’t feel guilty.
4 comments
Kobian,
After reading your post I feel the need to talk to you. so much so that I joined the site to reply to your post. Son has anyone ever talked to you about chemical depression? If not you should definitely look into it. Chemical depression is when the brain chemistry is off and that causes the depression a person feels. Literally the person is depressed simply because they are, without trauma or an event. This usually can be treated with a SSRI from a family doctor or mental health physician. SSRI stands for Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitor. What it does is allow serotonin to build up in the brain to a more normalized level rather than be removed and leave you feeling depressed. If your MDD is not helping you then go to a different one, many public health departments have qualified staff that can and will prescribe this type of medication as a precursor to counseling or therapy. The medication takes about six to eight weeks to get into your system however many patients say they can feel the effects of it within the first week. it would be a shame to lose you to something like a chemical imbalance. clearly you are intelligent and articulate. think before you act upon these feelings of self loathing, would it not be better to live and be happy than to end your existence?
please don’t kill yourself. people care about you. hurting people is natural but think about all the people you’d be hurting if you killed yourself, even if they barely know you people would care. your life is worth so much more then you think.
I have felt like you for a very long time. but I slowly begin to realise that I am my only obstacle, and if I tried hard enough I could fix my life. I was scared of coming out of my comfort zone, and I still am. But at least now, I’m considering all the options available for me to do something that would not fit my usual pattern. I used to tell myself that I should try to be happy, and hang out with happy people. but truth is that being around depressed people has helped me much more. just being in this site for few days made me realise that all of us are very strong, interesting individuals,the fact that we are depressed just shows that we are capable of seeing more than most people. I know that what I just wrote doesn’t make much sense, I tried to keep it as short as possible. The point is that I believe that I can fix my life. Have you tried to fix yours?
Genesis, it actually proves that we are stronger than most. We have to fight, pretend, and struggle to make it day by day yet we still do because obviously we are here now.