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kurdt kobian

My Last Post

by kurdt kobian 1/15/2014

written by kurdt kobian

I just wanna say that this website has helped me stay around this long and was a great place to let myself out. That being said, it seemed fitting that my last post be my suicide note. So here it is. Goodbye.

To Whom It May Concern…
If you are reading this than I am dead. This may come as a shock to most who know me. If you want to know why, it’s basically because I hate myself. I’ve actually vomited because I hate myself so much. I loathe myself. I’m tired of being mediocore. I’m tired of being a failure to everyone around me. […]

1/15/2014 10 comments

Second to Last Post

by kurdt kobian 1/11/2014

written by kurdt kobian

I can’t help but hurt people and isolate myself from them. There aren’t enough people who understand what I’m going through in my life. Just one really and she’s alienated from me too. I’m alienated from just about everyone emotionally at this point. I had a really positive and engaging relationship with someone but when my depression came out, she couldn’t understand and moved on. I tore into her because of it and that makes me feel guilty. And it hurt so fucking bad when it was done.

I know there’s a lot of people who have it worse than I do. Today I was […]

1/11/2014 4 comments

Not Needed

by kurdt kobian 1/4/2014

written by kurdt kobian

Have you ever seen a friends just lose interest and you and move on and you feel like shit because you know you’ve done something that made you lose whatever they saw in you? Well now that line I mentioned in my last post is so fucking clear. The line between all the depressed, suicidal fuck-ups like me and the rest of the happy world. Nothing makes me want to kill myself more than seeing a bunch of happy people, all hanging out with their friends, laughing, joking, taking pictures. And I say why not me? Why can’t I get better and just be that […]

1/4/2014 5 comments

None of This Came Out the Way It Does in My Head.

by kurdt kobian 12/29/2013

written by kurdt kobian

Do you ever feel like you can’t let anyone in? That you can’t tell anyone about your suicidal urges or depression, because you know one day, you’re gonna commit suicide? Like it’s your destiny? And if they get close like that and you self-destruct it’ll hurt them. I know it will hurt them alot. That’s why I made 3 huge mistakes in telling my three friends. Now whenever I go, I know it’ll just hurt them. And people wonder why suicidal people are anti-social. Sometimes you have to push everyone away to save them from the pain.

Do you ever get the feeling that happy people […]

12/29/2013 1 comment

The Burden Has Lifted

by kurdt kobian 12/28/2013

written by kurdt kobian

I’ve been spending the last few days with relatives. You know, for the holidays. I gotta say I’ve been having fun. Maybe it’s because the burdens of my MDD feel lighter. It’s quieted because I’ve accepted my suicide. I’m happier because I know in about two weeks I’m going to be gone. I know this happiness can’t last and once they leave it’ll all be back. But I’m at peace with my decision. I’m just happy to be done with the world and my failure of a life.

12/28/2013 6 comments

I hate

by kurdt kobian 12/23/2013

written by kurdt kobian

Have you ever hated yourself so much, and despised yourself so much that you threw up? Or that you wanted just to destroy your self? God I hate me. Â And everyone who cuts themselves or starves themselves or hates themselves knows it. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I hurt deep down so much that it bubbles up and I keep lashing out at people and then they hate me and I hate myself more. It’s a lethal circle.

I hurt because I feel like a failure who will never amount to anything. I know my friends who know about this are getting annoyed because […]

12/23/2013 0 comment

No More Empathy

by kurdt kobian 12/20/2013

written by kurdt kobian

After 3 days I know why I post here. It’s because I can say whatever the fuck I want to people who can sorta understand what I’m going through. I don’t have to interact with people. I just can throw stuff out there and never have to deal with conversation. My three friends (the only people I could actually call friends) know a lot about my MDD but not everything. It’s too much for me to give them details. It hurts them more than it helps me. One of them, Abigail (no last names), suffers from an anxiety/depression disorder. More anxiety than depression though. She […]

12/20/2013 2 comments