I deserve to be gone, I think.

I hate myself as a person. so many people make posts about how they’re so angry and so mad at everyone for ruining their lives… not me. I can’t blame anyone for any major bad things in my life… I’ve had it good.

The thing is, I ruined my own life. But you wouldn’t know it to look at it from the outside in. I have a good paying job, happily married, siblings/parents/grandparents all in my life. I don’t deserve my wife or other things in my life, but I’m a naturally flawed and ungrateful person so while I realize I don’t deserve them, that doesn’t make me appreciative in the way one should be.

Really, I have nothing to complain about. Lots of people would be happy with my life. the problem is not my life: the problem is me. I am the worst person I know and I am unable to fix it. I am unnecessarily mean and vindictive and sarcastic a lot of the time. I’m moody, depressed that I’m depressed even though it’s not real depression… it’s just me being pathetic. I’m not a very nice person. I’m not outgoing in the least… I can be pleasant, but it’s mostly feigned. I’m a chronic cynic and I hate that. Pessimism is exhausting and I wish I was able to not be one. The thing I hate most about me is that I am chronically, mentally unfaithful in my marriage. I’ve not been physically unfaithful, but that’s not due to some inner resolve in myself… no such thing here. I’m not strong or even decent like that. It’s probably only because no other woman in the world would be able to stand me. I treat my wife terribly poorly compared to what she deserves. I enjoy nothing and so I sit playing video games trying to kill boredom, but it doesn’t stop the gnawing dissatisfaction that constantly envelopes my mind. I try to ignore myself but it doesn’t work. I love the people in my life but it’s a lousy kind of love.

Honestly, I am what I am and I hate what I am. I’ve spent years trying to fix myself and am irreparable, unable to improve. I blame no one, nothing, but myself.

I’m not looking for suggestions as I’ve tried everything, and there is no self improvement to be had. I just want to know if anyone else feels similar at all.

I truly suck. Any positive thing that would be said about me, could not be said objectively. The people that love me are clouded by sentiment, to be sure.

And so, every day I am more convinced my absence would be beneficial.