I just don’t see how things will get better… I have screwed up my life and continue to let others do the same. It’s like I don’t have a backbone. That makes me feel like even if my circumstances change instantly, I will still be screwed up. I’ve lost everything. I’ve had so much stolen from me – literally. I have family that thinks it’s ok to mooch off of me – literally and mentally, and they are totally delusional about it. They have been totally dependent on me since I was a little girl. I’m surprised that I’m not on drugs. I went to an Ivy League school and can’t get a break. I apply to so many things every day. I’ve had my own business for years and that isn’t working either. The one thing I’ve always tried to do is have a nice, clean house. I grew up in poor conditions. My mother was a hoarder. My mother has ‘moved in’ and she is depressed too though she won’t admit it and I have allowed her to bring her habits into my home. I have since stopped cleaning too. She has been here for 3 years. The one thing I had is gone. Her depression has also become contagious and we sit in the house in the dark with tons of food – depressed and eating. I’m 31 and can’t see how anyone will like me. I don’t even go out and when I do I won’t talk to people. I have spent all of my money on wasted opportunities and have tried to be positive. My brain can’t even go there anymore. I have messed so much up. All I ever wanted was success. I feel guilty because ‘it could be worse,’ but then I get depressed because I can’t help my feelings. So I feel guilty again. I feel crazy. I long for the day that I can leave this world and go be with God. I’m just really even tired of waking up.
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Sounds like a big part of your condition is that you’re too compassionate. You need to help your family but they bring you down when you do.
I have the same problem.
But let’s look at the facts that can be gleaned from your post: you’re ambitious, you’re well-educated and you’re loving, loyal and compassionate to a fault.
Sounds like the kind of person I’d feel lucky to meet.
Have you been diagnosed with any kind of mood disorder and have you had any treatment?
Bullfrog – thank you. I probably would miss meeting you because I’d be too afraid that you’d do the same thing. So unfortunate. You probably wouldn’t. Thank you for your kind words.
Bipolar American – sort of. I’ve been to a few doctors that have just thrown a bunch of titles at me. Some have even said that it’s as simple as controlling my parents’ control over me. That seems like the dumbest advice to someone that doesn’t know how and that has been run over forever. I’m sure I have something. I think it also might be hereditary. My parents’ behavior isn’t normal. But honestly at this point I can barely get up and walk my dog. That’s really all I can do. I can’t see myself being consistent enough to go to treatment. I’m just not consistent right now.
Just curious. I know that when you feel that way it’s definitely not within the field of normal but so many “professionals” can help. There isn’t a cure for depression. There’s theories and medications that seem like you can curb the desease, but nothing tackles the heart of the problem.
It’s an epidemic of sorts. Most people just push through life with blinders on and live with the misery. I think only the lucky ones leave on their own terms