Things make more sense to me now than they ever have in my entire life. I died, the person I was the dreams I had all of it died that was the true reason why I have been so upset. I didn’t want to accept that I let myself die because it hurt too much. But it’s done with now and I can’t change a thing about it. I feel empty, I don’t know who I am or what I want, it feels like I was placed into a body, a life that is empty. It’s like it isn’t my life so I have no feelings no nothing I’m just here observing everything taking it all in. I loved once, it consumed me and I gave my heart and soul away. I will never get any of it back nor will the love I feel ever stop, but I no longer care to hold on to it. I had been carrying around all this guilt and anger, just dead weight all for nothing. I’m still in the process of letting it go but it doesn’t hurt. I’m not hurting anymore, I just feel disappointment and purposeless. Sometimes I wonder what the point in me living is, but I can’t manage to feel anything about it. I’m thinking of leaving this site because I’ve been here enough already and it just feels like the same old cycle. But who knows, I’m posting here now for some reason. Right now I am 23 years old and I am in college working on a bachelors degree, and every day I wonder who I will be a year from now. Who will I be this summer? What else is going to happen to me? Will I ever love myself?
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No I totally understand what your saying,the day I stop caring will be the day that I die No one will get this but I do,Dont say you let yourself die though cause your here posting this,Your still alive cause if you weren’t you wouldn’t be able to say that
“…and every day I wonder who I will be a year from now.”
You’ll be who you are; not who you were.
I’ve thought the same about myself before. Feels like I died in 2011. I’ve been a ghost since some bad stuff happened that year. Not me anymore. Stopped trying. No more dreams.
At least you’re still working on college. It might not seem like much but at least it’s something. I’ve let myself stop living completely and i don’t recommend it. No job no school no friends. It becomes a negative momentum and i have no idea how I’d get started again even if i wanted to. At least taking classes maintains some sense of moving forward in some area of life even if it doesn’t seem that meaningful.
If you’re finally letting go of some hurt and anger you’ve been carrying around related to love then maybe that’s why you’re noticing this new void in your life and feeling empty. Sometimes we hold on to pain or regret because at least it fills the void. Its not bad that you’re letting go though, just might take time for something else to fill that space in your mind.
I don’t have anything to add to what’s already been perfectly said. Listen to what’s been written here alina_01 Keep up the good work.
Maybe its time to cut the dead weight.
Let that fleshy tomb of who you once were die and rot.
Its time to leave the past behind and be reborn. It time to start over and learn to live again and be a new persin. Let the old burn away so you can start rebuilding from the rubble.
You do have a heart and a soul. The one person You believe took it did give it back. It was no use to them so they gave it back and left. Its you, yourself, who didnt allow it back. You dont want to accept it back. You dont want to accept that its at your door so you choose to not open it. Open the door, its time to move on for you own sake and recovery.
It will be hard to open that door, ill admit but then again you have a choice. You did have a choice when you allowed yourself to die. So now you have a choice to either remain or live again.
You do have feelings as well. Your not completely dead. You do feel upset and disappointed with your current circumstances and you do still have the love that you admit will never stop. You just want to detach yourself from these feeling so you dont have to feel the pain anymore. Don’t say you are not hurting because all I see from you is pain. It time to come back and express and understand this pain. Feel the pain so you can finally move on and learn to cope.
So you made it this far, why now, if you came this far is it the time to stop now? Why continue college if all else has failed? Your still pushing yourself to live, ask yourself why?
Don’t ponder the question as to if life has meaning. It doesnt. Theres no logical or definitive answer to a question tht doesnt even make sense. But you yourself can define your purpose and role in life. You do have choice there, so why not take it. So dont worry about how the summer will be or what will life be a year from now. No one knows. You won’t know, all you can do is try to set a course that might manipulate the outcome in your favor. Will it work? Maybe, but its a shot at something better and its worth trying. And just becuase the answer is a maybe, dowsnt mean you have to give up becuase you do not have a definitive answer. If it doesnt work out then make next year or next summer beter.
You won’t know if things get better if your dead or the living dead, so why not live to find out. Remember you have a choice to live or die.
Take care.