Loneliness

warning i am writing this out of lonliness, i am telling my story that may be traumatic and triggering to others and my journey so far. i am leaving out some strong details, but i will leave subtle hints to the other things i experienced which others will understand if they’ve experienced also.

Why is it? some people are just always last? always the scum to everyone else?

When you try so hard in your life and people say your doing great but you know your going no where inside, when you scream but no one hears you?

When you can’t get close to anyone anymore, when i was a child everyone would always play with everyone else i didn’t have any real problems till this one girl slit my throat then it seemed i had constant panic attacks around people and didn’t want to be near anyone or anyone didn’t want to be around me, i don’t remember the way i acted i was too young, i think i was just in shock and kept pushing people away after that incident to stop myself from getting hurt again, i always trusted the outside world at the time, until that happened, at home i was suffering the abuse of my mother and the anger and unstable-ness of my father because of my mothers actions, only recently have the wool over my eyes been cleared away, about that.

After kindergarden in grade one, and till the end of my schooling days i was always the kid in the school everyone picked on or bullied, i tried making friends but when i did they’d just tease me eventually, when i tried making friends i’d over compensate and spoil them in a way and i think that must’ve made them think i was just vulnerable or something,

eventually one day i just crumbled and i was lost for so many years not understanding why my life went so unorganised, i discovered last year at a councilor i have/had ( i’m a bit lost and confused about it today as it does no occur as often ) d.i.d, i developted it because of the constant tortures my mother would make me endure and her attempts of murdering me amongst other things and locking me in small spaces without food or water and i didn’t know how to cope, from a very young age, she’d pull out my hair from my head and would tell me i was ugly, she’d drag me around the house by my hair at home and my scalp would bleed and other various things,
she’d feed me so many lies i couldnt see which way faced up in my world, so i crumbled into different conciousnesses, a deep sense of rage from having been screamed at and beaten if i cried or complained about pain or sadness or anything about emotion.

to this day i am confused about emotions and people, i think that now stems allot of my loneliness, i also have lost a certain person who i thought had finally taught me in life i would never have to be alone again, but due to all my experiences and broken down walls from the disgusting past i can’t scrub down the bathing drain, my traumaticness has crossed the line into reality, i don’t know when it comes….. but i do when it goes and leaves me in terrible sorrows,

i ranaway from home last year, after being trapped in a basement by my fathers now not friends and returned by the police, where people furthered the abuse and pushed the glass into my wounds further, making me believe i had well and truely deserved ..words that are too hard to say.. ”violation” and to have been broken and treated like absolute trash, it still haunts me everyday before i go to sleep and wakeup their words ” if you leave this basement, you will die alone and be alone for the rest of your life”

i cry everyday i breakdown, about different events, i still am confused and not sure wether to trust my father but as so far, he has seemed to have changed ever since my parents official divorce and his new girlfriend, soemtimes i think it’s just a  act to look good in front of his girlfriend, but he so far has been the only person to emotionally connect to me on a very deep level about the abuse i endured with my mother and my drug abuse and the experiences that come along with it all.

may i say that my drug abuse was a very good and bad time for me, i was very very uncioncious of allot of things but then i’d think when i was out of it i was in control of my actions but in reality there was no boundaries on anything i did, no clear sense of thinking, i was vulnerable and because of that people got inside my head and people took advantage of me and violated my body, i didn’t want these things to happen, allot of the things that happened, were out of my control, i was too confused on drugs to understand what was going on and even though when i got concious again the person who manipulated me would always sing about what happened to me, but i was to decieved to understand that they were singing about what happened to process their guilt instead of them singing a song they liked out of sympathy for other girls who go  through terrible things.

but all these experiences surfaced one day, not then when he was singing, but when i had no more money for drugs, so my downer had started for about a week and a half and my friend told me for the billionth time, what had happened and me, and i  actually understood for the first time instead of making a joke out of it.

boy did i cry my heart out, once my mind was out of the sea and was becoming stable.

my brains in still a incredible mess, but i am sorting myself out now.

recently i have moved in with my father, because i had overdosed upon losing a person who was more than important to me a dear dear person to me at my own troubles and at the fact i also overdosed is i did want to forget all the bad experiences and make it all go away unfortunately after my two day hospital stay getting flushed and passing out and regaining conciousness for a few seconds before sleeping again, my father was there when i awoke one afternoon, i managed to stay awake a hour and we talked about me moving in with him, i know i am too sick to take care of myself so he now helps me by making me food all the time and helping me live daily, and reminding me what i need to do, as i am still sickish today is the first day i am feeling better and not as out of it, to actually sit here and concentrate, so i am crying even more than ever about everything, my father and i have discussed allot of what happened in the family and i see him in a more understanding light,

although there are still allot of unsettled things such as the death of my brother, it makes me so angry to not know the full truth yet, but i am trying my best to atleast cling onto the one person who is showing me that they truely care, because right now i do not have any close friends, i have one friend that i speak to on occasion and i have my dad and i am thankful for that but, things are still very crumbly.

i probably have rambled allot but it’s just all the toxins in my system and different things making me all weird.

but i have come to a deep relization about just how messed up the world is and how my time is so short and that i fear being alone forever and that i fear death, it’s extremely scary to think i’m not going to be concious one day after fighting so hard to live.

its also hard to forgive my father for him breaking my bones but…

things gotta..

i feel like things have got to try and fix and be good somewhere right?

after all my dad is trying to be the best father he can be right now after the divorce, he is being extremely kind, wether this is what they call the honeymoon stage of abuse or him actually changing i don’t know.

but i am thankful for whatever it is right now.

i am on the road to healing after escaping many different hells.

my advice to anyone out there if your going to do drugs, do them with a trusted friend that you truely truely know that can supervise you, and dont do them at your dealers house.

and if your family is treating you terribly runaway, it’s the best thing you can do.

but out of all of this, i wish there was someone there to say, i wouldn’t die alone.

i’m sorry if none of this made sense.

thanks for reading… if you did… my minds a bit chaotic right now.. with detoxing and processing events and family troubles, i hope it made some structural sense..