I honestly belive I am horrible person. I sometimes think about death, and wanting to kill myself, but not very seriously, so I wouldn’t consider myself suicidal. Still, I need to talk to someone because I would never tell my family or friends any of this, so obviously I have turned to the web to vent. I honestly think I ruin everything. Everything I do wether it’s little or small, I always manage to screw up. I feel like everything’s my fault. I keep trying and trying but still I feel like everything is just not turning out. And honestly I am tired of screwing everything up. Relationships, little jobs, those sort of things I always screw up. Always unintentional too. I am starting to feel like a worthless person. I am also very lazy, I never do anything but sit around all day. I never help with chores or anything. So obviously I am ungrateful, I mean I am complaining to the Internet about my problems when some people have it 10 times worse than me. I am also pretty unattractive and un healthy. All I ever do is make mistakes. I can’t think of one thing I have done to make the world a better place. I’ve scarred more than saved. I only have one close friend and every day we grow more distant. All my other friendships I have lost because I isolate myself so much. I also have been an idiot and ruined my realationship with I boy I really liked the same way, by distancing and ignoring. Honestly I feel like everything’s my fault. The first very life changing mistake I made was in grade 5 when I wrote a mean thing online. The girl I wrote it to didnt really care and we remained close friends the next day, she wasn’t even angry. I think she actully forgot about it, which doesn’t matter but still, But every day I feel guilty for what I did and I honestly think that mistake made me a horrible person. It haunts me still 3 years later. I just can’t belive I did something like that. The second mistake happend yesterday, it’s what triggered me to write this. My class was playing hockey outside and I decide to run around the side of my school for a second, I was going to come back. But my teacher got really angry and made everyone go inside and made me write a letter why it’s bad to do that. I felt horrible for angering him so much. He talked to me saying he thought I was a good student and that he was surprised with what I did. He said he was considering giving me this student award thing at the end if the year (I know this may sound childish) It made me feel so bad that I let my teacher down like this. Because I really do like and respect him. Now I think he doesn’t like me anymore and I feel really horrible. At home I treat my family horribly, I completely ignore them when I get home especially my mom. Our realationship has only gotten worse. My sister and me are ok. She’s the only one I have ever talked to about my problems, I only talk to her because she listens to me, and she agrees I am a bad person. I am only 13 and I think I am a worse person than more people in a full lifetime. I honestly feel like I deserve bad things to happen to me. And when they do I try not to complain because I truly deserve punishment. Even though for both mistakes parents and teachers dealt with them. I feel like I am going to Hell and deserve it. I think if I died young I wouldn’t be too surprised I feel like I deserve it. I just can’t get over the fact that I can’t do anything right. Everything’s my fault. Thank you for reading about me complaining I just really needed to talk to someone about this.
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It’s good to vent about this sort of stuff. My first therapist called thinking about suicide, without the intention of acting on it, as “ideation.” It’s an ideal fantasy, the ideal too attractive when it’s on your mind.
It sounds like you’re going through a lot – both internal conflict and external. I can empathize – I started to feel depressed on a daily basis when I was 12 years old, but I have memories of being melancholy from as far back as age 9.
I’m 28 now. And still coping with depression and anxiety. I remember what it was like then and I’m right next to you now.
A couple of ideas and things that I’ve learned that might be helpful to share with you, my friend:
1) It’s always good to write. An anon forum like this one is a great place to vent – as is a notebook or a text document. Think of your life as a grand story/movie — all of the experiences you have in life build into “material” for your life’s work. Writing about it is a good way to release, reflect, and remember.
2) It is completely possible that life will pretty much suck from 7th – 12th grade. I’m not saying you won’t have good times, and I’m definitely not saying that there isn’t a LOT of fun you can have (see #4) in the mean time… but, look at it this way; you have to live at home with your family, you have to go to school, and you are figuring out that there is a lot of bullshit and hurt in the world. Not to mention that you don’t have many friends in school and kids pick on you. This scenario was every day of my high school life; so I’m not bullshitting you when I say that these years are NOT the best years of you life.
3) This next sentence is corny but true. It gets a whole lot better. For instance, by the time I was 18 I was completely friendless, failing all of my classes, and miserable 70% of the time. I had a shitty reputation at my high school and every kid in that school treated me like garbage; to the point where I even dropped out. But then there was college. Where no one knew me and I got a fresh start — able to be comfortable in my own skin for the first time in years; with no haunting prejudice from my past. I won’t go on with all the details, but from that point on, things have only gotten better for me. I’m self-employed, I travel the country 3-4 times a year, I play poker semi-professionally, and I have a small group of good friends (and a large network of acquaintances) who think I’m totally rad. Dude, really — IT GETS BETTER~!
4) But that’s then, and this is now. What the fuck are you supposed to do in the meantime? Well here’s some honest, semi-irresponsible advice that I doubt any decent minded adult would give you — but I’m a little different than most… what do you do now? Man, almost whatever you want. Try cutting class one day and hanging out on your soccer field or somewhere SAFE and not too far from you school — don’t worry about getting caught. That sort of shit doesn’t matter later in life. Or, another idea: start watching some really smart, vulgar stand up comedy — guys like Doug Stanhope, Joey Diaz, etc — and learn some of their material. One day, in class, try to slip in a funny one-liner — see how hard your class laughs or how much your teacher gets pissed. Or don’t do any of these lame ideas, but just get the message i’m trying to bring out to you — you are young and you are allowed to fuck up. DON’T try and hurt anyone — don’t ever do anything that will intentionally bring harm on to another person. That’s a karma killer. But, aside from that simple rule, you are in many ways without responsibility… get into a little trouble and have a lot of fun!!
And one last, very important thing, my friend… family life is never easy, but family is important. Try and make time/space for your mom, when you can; but if you’re too upset sometimes, that’s okay.
Also, it’s good you talk to your sister, but no offense — I don’t think she’s right when she says your a bad person… you’ve mentioned a lot above as to how you can improve — and that’s very good. Always try and make yourself a better person. But, just because you are bad at something doesn’t mean that you are awful.
Take care, man, and see you further along on your journey.
PS I forgot to mention – when I was 12 – 17, I had ridiculous acne. Blotchy, ugly, red, awful. It sucked and I felt so unattractive. I was awkward and gangly and had no comfort in my looks or body… by the time I was in my 20’s, I had evolved into the ruggedly handsome beast that I am today — with a sick beard, beautiful hair, and a body that I like. Take this tidbit literally and as the metaphor mixed in; with time, everything starts to look and get better 🙂
I was feeling really, really crappy this week, but seeing that someone actully took the time to read this litterly made my whole week. Thank you so much. I agree with what you said about writing, I find it easier to communicate and calm down a bit when writing, after writing that big rant I felt a bit better. I really appreciate this.
Hey – no problem! I’m happy to help. It’s good writing is helpful for you. Hopefully some of what I wrote here can translate into some practical advice for you. Enjoy your weekend, e_d_!